Anne from home!

Yes, I am sitting at my computer typing. Today is the first day I felt up to dealing with the computer in any way. Coming home has been filled with many experiences and feelings. The very first, bliss, though a bit of disorientation, to be returned to the world of sensory stimulation: bright colors in my house, the flowers of the early spring here, walking outdoors in fresh air (the weather has been very accomodating). But also feeling very vulnerable to be out of the hospital with such low blood counts. Much worry and fear rose to the surface, and the first two nights, the only sleep I got was nightmares. I spent the next day flat out in bed. Then Dr. Medicine (aka Dennis) arrived. Much joy, much processing, and some cellular connection that can't be explained but is so profoundly healing. I have been much perkier and happy since.

I have started watching funny movies! I really wasn't well enough before, but will attempt to keep it up.

Nancy is here caring for me. Nancy is an old friend from N.H. who assisted at Lucy's birth and is her godmother. Nancy emerged a few weeks early from a 3 1/2 year silent retreat to come help me. She is godsent- very present, quiet, happy to serve me, and nowhere else she needs to be.

So much for all the levels of my being to process in this short time. I described myself as suffering post-traumatic and pre-traumatic stress at the same time. My dear wise friends have helped me keep moving through things. This is a crash course in learning to take one day at a time, and I am a beginner at it.

I have wrapped around the warrior archetype. One day I thought, "it is like I have been dropped onto a battlefield." I now know I need to fight with my will as part of this process. Like a soldier, I will enter every battle not knowing what it will bring, and learning to move with my fear. And not knowing how many battles until the war is done.

I have realized that the only real reason to live is for my loving connections, and indeed, I do not think I would live without them. All of you are part of the web of my healing and I thank you again for your love and support.

During this week I have strenghtened my will and my faith and my vision. I ask you all to hold me in your minds as healthy and vital, out the other side of this journey living a happy life. See me with the strengthof body, mind,and spirit to undergo the rigorous treatments ahead to rid my body of the cancer cells.

I wish I could respond to you all personally, but know that your messages and cards to me are very meaningful and moving to me.

Anne