Easter has been on my mind a great deal as I recall the preparations Anne and I made for it this time last year. She had just come out of the hospital about a week or so. She was doing OK, weak but feeling good and oh so happy to be out of there and home again. We planned an Easter egg hunt in her backyard for Nick and Sofia Eater Sunday afternoon. Easter morning was spent at my house with the kids waking to the baskets delivered by ol' E B ( most of which came from Anne's easter stash in her storage shed). Anne was sequestered in Graton with Nancy hiding "treasure" filled eggs in the yard awaiting our arrival. I remember keenly the feel, taste,and fragrance of the air when we arrived in Graton. Anne was radiant wearing a wide brimmed deep pink sun hat. It fit beautifully over her hairless, shaven head and created the perfect backdrop for her sparking blue eyes and welcoming smile. The sun was warm and inviting. Anne and I sat in the yard while Nick and Sofia darted about. It was a very pleasurable moment some of which was captured in photos thanks to Nancy's quick thinking and throw away camera. The kids were having a great time. We all did. There was a brief moment of seriousity when Anne could not remember how many eggs were out there or where they were located ( a by product of her therapy called "chemo-brain"). It became an on going joke as we found hidden eggs here and there through the rest of the spring and into the summer. Last Easter is a memory that is enshrined in my heart. I can go there and feel the fullness of that day and the fullness of Anne. It makes me feel very fortunate. It enriches my spirit.
Anne has seen to it that this Easter will hold wonderful memories for me as well. First off my father is here visiting for three weeks. He arrived on my mother's birthday, March 16th, and leaves the day after their 68th wedding anniversary, April 7th. All of which to me is no coincidence. This morning (Saturday 3/22) Angela called to let me know that my house had been designated as the central meeting place for the Windquists, Sutters and of course Puorros with Nancy tossed in for good measure. The Windquists and Sutters were making pick ups and drop offs at SF airport with enough time in between for dinner. My house being just 3 blocks off the route to the airport made it the perfect place for all this to happen. What a beautiful surprise. What a gift. And, they were bringing dinner to boot. I felt Anne all over it and she certainly was very present for me. Everyone arrived around 6:00 Russell and Lucy first, I arrived with Nick and Sofia after picking them up from their mom's, my dad was there waiting, Nancy came with the food, Angela, Tally and Robert walked in with her, Owen showed up about 20 minutes later and Maxine about half hour after him. We ate, talked and laughed a lot, danced, hugged, and emersed ourselves in a swirling pool of joy.I know we all felt Anne. She was right there in the middle of it all. This memory will be joined with all the others that are marked only by the feelings they evoke. They are with out time.They do not fade. They are the true treasures of life of living and of loving.
Happy Easter to one and all,
Love,
Dennis (and Anne)
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Anne is my guide
I am writing to relay my experience, feelings and what I believe is a miraculous shift in my inner being. It was about 2 or 3 weeks ago I had finally realized that Anne was gone. The realization was not in my thoughts but was in my body. It was in my cells. What I was feeling, was the acceptance of her physical transformation, her physical absence. I no longer felt or feel the deep sorrow that has permeated my every waking hour. What has replaced it is an unencumbered connection with Anne's spiritual being. I feel her in my cells in a way I can only describe as the purest essence of love. She is with me in the purity of her spirit. What image comes to me is that she has discarded everything that kept her from being the beautiful soul she truly is and is now coming to me and all us as an angel. I feel a fullness of love that I have no way of explaining other then her spiritual presence. I feel connected to the heavens and she is my guide. I am receiving a wonderful gift. She is with me every minute and is my constant companion in a way I never thought possible. My heart is light and open and I am grateful for all the unknowns that lie ahead. I am grateful for having Anne in my life now and forever.
I send blessings to all who are still reading this. Hold her in your heart for she is right there with you.
Love,
Dennis
I send blessings to all who are still reading this. Hold her in your heart for she is right there with you.
Love,
Dennis
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
The "20th"
The 20th has major significance considering it is both the day Anne and I were born and the day that we met. It was also the day one year ago, on the 20th of January, that Anne handed me the note she had written in the hospital bed at day break proposing marriage. Some how the anniversary of that day didn't come to mind right away but my body knew, my heart knew. I thought it was the impending full moon that made me read over some of the old entries of the blog, and made me feel more forlorn then usual. That night, I received a beautifully written and empathic email from Anne's friend Mary Reiter who lost her S.O. to AML some years ago. I have pasted in part of hers and my response below.
.... My sadness and grief is like a drop, next to the ocean of your grief and sadness and loss. I think of you a lot. I think of you and wonder which breeze is blowing through. How're you doing? Knowing it changes. Knowing it's intense and then it eases up and then it gets intense again. And time passes and your heart is a little less raw, open and soft and tender, and a little less raw. I don't think I ever felt more open hearted and connected and alive in some way as I did soon after Stephen died. It felt unbearable sometimes, but the love was so strong. and sometimes it felt like I was connected to every one who has ever lost someone dear. I felt part of something so much bigger than myself.
It was mind boggling to me how intense the pain was and to know that at that very moment that pain was being felt by millions of lovers who'd lost their loved ones and millions of mothers who's children died and millions of brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and husbands and wives and on and on... It's so personal and it's so universal.
So, I send love and prayers.
Mary
January 20, 2008
Dear Mary,
Something called to me to look at my email before going to bed. I heard it in my heart and there was your email to me. So very timely and true. The reality is constantly shape shifting for me and there are days when I almost feel OK but I never quite get there. I never quite get to that OK or at least not for very long. There is that tide of emotion that ebbs and flows inside and the current sinks deeper as the physical reality of Anne moves further back in linear time. But somehow sadness and sorrow always float to the surface especially on these clear full moon nights when I wish she was here to hold and share in the magic that pervades the air. And yes I too feel that inexplicable connection with all those who have lost a loved one. Someone who's life and loss have altered the way you perceive the world. It is not at all real to me yet. I am still waiting for that phone call. Still waiting to hear her voice. I sometimes think I have lost my mind. That this is some kind of dream I have fallen into and can't seem to wake from. I know it is part of process, part of healing but it seems to have no end. At least in my heart, it feels that way.
Thanks so much for your continued support. You are a dear friend I did not know I had but am grateful that you are.
As for the stuff perhaps Angela or Owen can get them. I will call.
Love,
Dennis
It wasn't until yesterday that I realized the 20th was the anniversary of our spiritual marriage. The ceremony over the next nine months that was filled with poetry and joy, sorrow and tears, laughter and silence,dancing and stillness, confusion and bonding, rapture and pain. It was a ceremony to last into the next life time. It was a ceremony of a deep and abiding love that I can not explain or identify its source. It just was and still is. There must be a way to peal back that veil that separates this world and the next just long enough for one touch of the hand, one kiss on the lips to complete the ceremony in I dos for all eternity. Perhaps it isn't necessary since I know our souls have been married for a long time. But it would have been a joy filled day to have held her hand into marriage.... here in this place.. where ever it is that we are.
Love to whoever is still reading this,
Dennis
.... My sadness and grief is like a drop, next to the ocean of your grief and sadness and loss. I think of you a lot. I think of you and wonder which breeze is blowing through. How're you doing? Knowing it changes. Knowing it's intense and then it eases up and then it gets intense again. And time passes and your heart is a little less raw, open and soft and tender, and a little less raw. I don't think I ever felt more open hearted and connected and alive in some way as I did soon after Stephen died. It felt unbearable sometimes, but the love was so strong. and sometimes it felt like I was connected to every one who has ever lost someone dear. I felt part of something so much bigger than myself.
It was mind boggling to me how intense the pain was and to know that at that very moment that pain was being felt by millions of lovers who'd lost their loved ones and millions of mothers who's children died and millions of brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and husbands and wives and on and on... It's so personal and it's so universal.
So, I send love and prayers.
Mary
January 20, 2008
Dear Mary,
Something called to me to look at my email before going to bed. I heard it in my heart and there was your email to me. So very timely and true. The reality is constantly shape shifting for me and there are days when I almost feel OK but I never quite get there. I never quite get to that OK or at least not for very long. There is that tide of emotion that ebbs and flows inside and the current sinks deeper as the physical reality of Anne moves further back in linear time. But somehow sadness and sorrow always float to the surface especially on these clear full moon nights when I wish she was here to hold and share in the magic that pervades the air. And yes I too feel that inexplicable connection with all those who have lost a loved one. Someone who's life and loss have altered the way you perceive the world. It is not at all real to me yet. I am still waiting for that phone call. Still waiting to hear her voice. I sometimes think I have lost my mind. That this is some kind of dream I have fallen into and can't seem to wake from. I know it is part of process, part of healing but it seems to have no end. At least in my heart, it feels that way.
Thanks so much for your continued support. You are a dear friend I did not know I had but am grateful that you are.
As for the stuff perhaps Angela or Owen can get them. I will call.
Love,
Dennis
It wasn't until yesterday that I realized the 20th was the anniversary of our spiritual marriage. The ceremony over the next nine months that was filled with poetry and joy, sorrow and tears, laughter and silence,dancing and stillness, confusion and bonding, rapture and pain. It was a ceremony to last into the next life time. It was a ceremony of a deep and abiding love that I can not explain or identify its source. It just was and still is. There must be a way to peal back that veil that separates this world and the next just long enough for one touch of the hand, one kiss on the lips to complete the ceremony in I dos for all eternity. Perhaps it isn't necessary since I know our souls have been married for a long time. But it would have been a joy filled day to have held her hand into marriage.... here in this place.. where ever it is that we are.
Love to whoever is still reading this,
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Happy New Year 2008
Last night as the ball on top of the Times Square tower made its decent, I felt an almost miraculous shift in my state of being. Somehow that arbitrary line between the old and the new year lifted that heavy, sullen shroud that has dominated my life since the beginning of the holiday season. Wow!! It gave me great hope for the passing of this grieving process but lasted only for a short time as I began to recall New Year's Eve with Anne last year. But how ever brief I experienced that total release, there was a definite shift in my sense that the events of 2007 are in the past and 2008 holds promise for a new light to shine. One that will shine on and from my heart as it has been and is in dire need of healing. It is amazing how we assign the center of our emotional being to this body organ which is without a doubt the toughest muscle in the body yet the most fragile. Mine has been struggling to a point where I often feel as if it will give way. Perhaps relief is just around the corner. I don't know. This whole process seems to have a schedule of it's own, and no matter how hard I try to intervene with my mind, my heart has complete command. At least for one brief moment while I rang in the new year with Nicolas, Sofia and Sabrina (the dog) my heart was light. I know that birthday/Christmas/new years 2008 will hold a different picture. My missing Anne will remain but the unbearable weight of losing her will not.
I am truly grateful for all of you who have and continue to accompany Anne and me on this journey through the blog, email, cards, thoughts and prayers. I don't think I would have been able to make it without all of you. Nor would I have been able to reach into the depths of my pain to retrieve the jewels that lay hidden there without the safety provided by your witness and support. May the fires of your passions in life burn ever brighter into the new year . May you find peace and fulfillment in dreams realized. May love be your constant companion through the year and life long.
Happy New Year,
Dennis
I am truly grateful for all of you who have and continue to accompany Anne and me on this journey through the blog, email, cards, thoughts and prayers. I don't think I would have been able to make it without all of you. Nor would I have been able to reach into the depths of my pain to retrieve the jewels that lay hidden there without the safety provided by your witness and support. May the fires of your passions in life burn ever brighter into the new year . May you find peace and fulfillment in dreams realized. May love be your constant companion through the year and life long.
Happy New Year,
Dennis
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