Home Today

By this afternoon I will be back in Sonoma County warmth and sunshine. Though it has been almost as good as it gets for a stem cell transplant, it has still been really hard. It will be wonderful to unwind it all, and continue on with this marathon healing journey from a much greater place of comfort.

I will continue to post, though not as often. Thank you all so much for your faith and constancy and support and prayers. Let's keep envisioning my very healthy body and full life ahead.

Love,
Anne

The end is in sight

My hematocrit was up today, so it looks like all systems are go for going home on Friday. I will need a daily IV nurse for magnesium (a side effect of the immune suppressant), but I will be able to learn how to do it myself. The mucositis is slowly subsiding, and I think I will not need painkillers tody.

So many hurdles passed, and a ways to go. The love and support has surely been one of the keys to how well this has gone so far. It is really all quite amazing - my sense of the little "I" is much diminished in the largeness of it all. The most difficult thing has been my mind, my fear and my resistance. It has been great to get to see that so clearly. I think grace is always there for us to step into. Your cards and e-mails have been great reminders for me.

Off for one of my last boring walks in the uninspiring halls. Always grateful that I can walk, when many on this floor cannot.

Love,
Anne

Numbers Up

My white blood counts shot up to normal today. My hematocrit rose, though it's below normal. My platelets are still needing daily replacement. They will be what could delay my ability to go home, but hopefully will come around some. So I think now Friday is probably the earliest I can leave. I still feel crummy from the mucositis, and maybe directly from the last methotrexate, but I have reduced my pain meds.

I am starting to get that institutionalized feeling, can't quite remember what it was like to be out in the world. Definitely time to go. Oh, for an uninterrupted night's sleep...

My IV alarm is beeping - happens about 15 times a day - must go.

Love,
Anne

Day 11 Update

Well, my stem cell coordinator had told me at times it would be one step forward, two steps back. The day after my big jump in white blood cells, they hit a new low. Today they were up slightly from that, so I think there is engraftment. My mucositis hit, and at this point am on round the clock pain meds and can only swallow soft foods. Also I itch all over my body, and at last my hair is falling out. As I get my last dose of the immuno suppressant that is giving me the mucositis today, this will not turn around for a while, probably get worse, and the hardest thing for me is just being here longer.

Well, thank God for the painkillers. They want to give me one of those self dosing pumps. Lucy has made me a lovely custard that is the only food I can both swallow and enjoy.

So all this is just temporary stuff, and the big prayer remains no GVHD, no leukemia.

Love,
Anne

Must be the time of year,

all the light and resulting new growth: my white count went up today, showing engraftment of the new cells in record time. Once again, the power of our prayers seems evidenced. Alleleuia!

I have also hit the nadir, feeling cruddy and having a certain amount of mouth pain. I have had strong pains and strong energy feelings, in my legs mostly, and had attributed it to riding the exercise bike with a very low hematocrit. But it is "bone pain", from the marrow developing very rapidly. It is much like labor pain, building up to an almost panting intensity, then passing.

It will take a while for my blood to develop and stabilize enough for me to leave, and as it does, to see if GVDH asserts itself. But if all goes well, I should be out by the middle of next week.

Once again, thank you all for your prayers and well-wishes.

Love,
Anne

More No News

It is Monday morning, and sunny here in SF. It really makes a difference to my mood. My blood is low, but not yet at its nadir. If things go well, my new cells will engraft, and by the weekend my counts will start to come up, and hopefully I can go home on Tuesday. Once home, I go to the clinic twice a week (an all day affair) for three months. I keep this central line in for the three months, which looks like spaghetti coming out of my chest. I am still at risk for infection, and Graft vs. Host Disease(GVDH).

My spirits remain good most of the time. The days are long, but finally one turns into the next. I walk the halls with a mask on, and occasionally have a good talk with a fellow patient. Nancy says the garden is looking spectacular, and I am eager to see it.

With gratitude,
Anne

HANGING IN THERE

No news is good news at this point. I feel a little crummier but nothing major. My blood counts are lower, but not yet at their nadir. With luck (prayer?)that low period will be very short and the stem cells will engraft and voila I will be out of here. So be it! Meanwhile I am having very good realizations about my mind and walking in and out various states (fear, aversion,victim feelings, etc.). A woman down the hall is dying of Graft vs. Host Disease, and that has been something for me to enlarge my heart around. I believe I have. Lots of suffering here, and lots of amazing transformation.

Love,
Anne

looking through the eyes of love

I can't say that I have ever seen Anne look more beautiful then she has these past few days. It is that kind of radiant beauty that emerges when you are faced with an overwhelming obstacle and discover inner strength and courage you had no idea was there. It has been an amazing experience to be there as she textures every subtle change in her body or responds to the, all to often irritating, organized chaos of the hospital environment. Through it all she has remained focused, positive and surprisingly joyous. In fact just before they were about to infuse the stem cells the nurse told Anne to report any chest pain or shortness of breath should it occur. Anne then confessed that she was thinking about faking a heart attack just for fun. We all laughed and the nurse said "Don't you dare". Each day has been an incredible learning experience in patience and gratitude. I have had the privilege of being with Anne at some of her most vulnerable moments. Sometimes it was soft and beckoning and sometimes it was hard and repelling but it always held that inner core of beauty that makes her who she is. I consider myself very fortunate to be able to be part of Anne's healing journey and to be able to participate with all of you who have given the kind of support, thoughts and prayers that make miracles possible. Thank You

much love to all

Dennis

Still Alive and Well

After a day of waiting, I finally got my cells around 5PM. Nancy and Dennis had given me a long foot massage while I listened to my "stem cell transplant" visualization CD before. We then played a great chanting CD. My nurse took my vitals constantly during it, so it cramped the spiritual style a bit. When I tuned in, the new cells felt very positive to me, an infusion of life. I think I had been more anxious than I knew, for afterwards I fell into a cranky overtired overhungry state. Once over that, Dennis and I watched a great sunset from the solarium. (We can see west to the ocean, north to the Marin Headlands and the Golden Gate Bridge and east to downtown San Francisco from the solarium - we are on the top of a hill here.)
For all that I have been saying I could sail through this, lots of fears lurked in my mind. Now I can think that it really is possible for me to get through this quickly and easily. I could be out of here in 10 days.
Please keep up your prayers.

Love and blessings,
Anne

Day Zero

Today's the day of the transplant, referred to here as Day 0, or my birthday. I am less anxious than I have been - the anticipation always is the hardest thing. I feel somewhat crummy - worsened sinuses and some nausea. The hospital has been outrageously noisy - construction and floor stripping and waxing. What an endurance test. I found out 2 1/2 weeks post transplant is the fastest I can get out, so I am hoping for that.
I will get an immune suppressant drug on days 1,3,6,11 that usually gives mouth sores, and the other immune suppressant I will be on for the next 6 months. From today on I am very vulnerable to infection, but I will be less so once the cells engraft and my white count comes back up.
Your prayers and well-wishes continue to buoy me up. I am seeing you all in my heart, looking forward to the day I can see you in person. A few good parties and trips could lie in my future.

Love,
Anne

Waiting

It is Saturday morning, and I am more than halfway through the chemo. I still feel pretty good, though I can note some fatigue and spaciness. I may have the beginnings of mucositis, or a sinus infection, since they took me off the antibiotics I have been on for months when I came in. Hard to surrender to the doctors' control at this vulnerable time. I have fear cropping up, as I feel I am at the edge of cliff I am about to be pushed off. I try to just stay in the present. What a challenge! To allow this descent -and the possibility of "smooth sailing". It does seem that only divine protection will get me through this period of zero immunity.

The stem cell transplant will be Wednesday. They call that day 0, so the days leading up to it are minus numbers, a countdown.

They have wireless in the hospital now, so I can read your comments or emails.(annebocc@sonic.net). I did get a quiet room, but from my bed can only see another wing of the hospital. I can see a bit of the city from the window. I can visit the solarium which has a glorious view.

Love and thanks,
Anne

Lucy's Graduation

A wonderful night of celebration which was timed well so Anne could be there.

The time has come

It's all a go. My donor has cleared, and I will go in on Wednesday. I am getting my central line put in on Monday, so I think the chemo will probably start on Wednesday. I am calmer, resolved to put myself in "the key of healing". I am having a small healing circle here today.

I do believe it is your prayers/thoughts that will bring me through. Please hold the image of me in perfect health and returned to vitality. Some specific issues: a quiet room, preferably with a Golden Gate view; healthy liver and kidneys as they work hard to clear the chemo; healthy mucosal tissue post chemo; protected from infections - for the next six months of immuno suppression; the clean end to my marrow and immune system and the rapid and successful acceptance of the stem cells into my marrow; the new immune system quickly accepting me as host and not fighting me more than a little; my new immune system successfully doing in any remaining leukemia cells (also the chemo destroying remaining leukemia). I would like to be back home in three weeks or so, enjoying my garden again. I am releasing all ideas of my suffering and letting myself be a living miracle - why not?

Thank you, thank you, and may all beings be freed from suffering, and may you my family and friends be blessed with good health and good thoughts and joy.

Love,
Anne