I am not certain if anyone is checking the blog any longer but just in case I thought I would write about the first of the holidays, Thanksgiving. It was no surprise that with each day closer to the holiday I felt an exponential increase in the heaviness in my heart. The celebration was at Russell's where it was last year. Last year's celebration was the first official holiday Anne and I celebrated as a couple. It was when I learned that being a "push 6" Anne was the first one up to clear the table and clean the kitchen. She made a subtle comment about my videoing the clean up activities with the implication that I was not actually involved in helping. I chose to ignore her carefully worded statement and am glad I did as it is the only video of her that I have. Yesterday was quite lovely in spite of my heavy heart. There was an over abundant and sumptuous meal prepared by the young adults and a few of us old folks. Owen cooked the turkey,Lucy baked pies made mashed potatoes and yams, Suzie made rolls from scratch Tally made vegetable dishes.They spent two days preparing this incredible meal. I know Anne was excited by the quantity and abundance of flavors. We spoke our gratitude for one another and toasted Anne. There was a place for her at the table. What took two days to prepare was consumed in about 30 minutes save dessert which came after the slide shows and cleanup.
There was certainly an air of joy at the end of the day. I am certain Anne was part of it all and smiling the entire time but I did miss her so as did everyone there.
I am debating whether or not to continue writing on the blog. I suppose if no one is reading it then it serves only as an outlet for me. That's OK, but it changes the purpose.
Any thoughts???
A fund has been set in Anne's name at UCSF. All donations collected will be distributed to families who need financial assistance while coping with blood diseases such as leukemia.
It is called the Anne Bocchino Gift Fund and is being managed by UCSF
If you wish to make a tax deductible donation checks can be made to UCSF in any amount and mailed to me. I will forward them to UCSF in bulk to the fund.
Dennis Puorro
231 16th Ave.
San Francisco, CA 94118
Love to all,
Dennis
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The celebration
I think I can write this, but this past week I have been digging out from under an avalanche of emotion. While the celebration was just that, a beautiful unfolding of the love Anne had both created and participated in with all those present, for me there was no escaping the ache of missing her. I had spent the night before, in the bed we shared at her house, in her room, with her clothes in the closet and her books on the night stand. The same comforter was on the bed. I had hoped to feel her right there in bed with me but didn't. I was overwhelmed with emotion and pain. I could not connect to her or myself. I was hopelessly lost. Some how I managed to fall asleep and only now do I realize how unbearably difficult that night was. I focused on the next day and pushed myself to get through the night. When I woke and reread the final draft of what I had written to say at the celebration, it fell short of my expectations. My thoughts were disjointed and I could only hope that I would be able to infuse the feelings I wanted to convey spontaneously while speaking. As the time for the celebration drew closer my emotional state intensified and turned to panic. I was going to spoil this day of days for Anne and everyone because I was over run by emotion.
People began to arrive. The hall was splendid, elegant, done in pinks and lavenders of fabric and ribbon. There were flowers everywhere. At the back of the hall was a stage the entire front section of which was turned into a magnificent alter of fabric, flowers, candles and accented with elegantly adorned Thai umbrellas and a poster size photo of Anne. In the side room off the kitchen were several tables laden with food and drinks. There was a professional sound and projection system donated, set up and operated by Angela's new found love George. There are no words possible to extol the efforts, love and dedication which he poured into the creation of the DVD and presentation of this event. There are so many to thank but it seems that the creation of the day for Anne was all the thanks anyone really needed or wanted. And it was a beautiful day both inside and outside. The air was clear, warm and sparkled with the hope that sunlight brings. It was a perfect day and I have no doubt that Anne had seen to it.
It was time to begin, at least the "formal" part of it. I approached the microphone and confessed my state of mind. I began to speak/read slowly, thinking "Anne help me out here".
She did . I felt her hand in mine, I was still nervous but began to tell the story of our meeting and the words flowed and the thoughts connected. I managed to get through without spoiling everything, although there was so much more I wanted to and needed to say. Joy Willow played piano and sang a beautiful song she had written to honor Anne. Then Russell recited with impressive eloquence, two poems by Mary Oliver whose work Anne loved. Joy made another beautiful offering in a selection called "Spirit Fly" There was a stillness in the room when Owen got up to play. We were all with him. We were all directly connected to Anne through Owen and Lucy. In some ways this day, also was about them. As Owen prepared to play he said he wasn't sure if he would be able to in his emotional state. Laura was at his side. He played magnificently, two Bach violin solos the composer wrote in honor of his wife after she died. I remember sitting in Anne's living room. Owen, violin and bow in hand, closed the door behind him to the room where Anne lay wrapped in silk and played the same two pieces for her. I was so deeply moved by the presence of his being and the deep passion that vibrated through the strings to fill the air. We all felt it that day. We were all grateful for this beautiful gift. Then our angel, Angela, spoke from a place inspired by the heavens. She captured the essence of Anne's spirit that only the love, long friendship and the shared intimacies of a woman to woman relationship could. I was in awe of how deeply she understood Anne and held dear all her idiosyncrasies. How she revered her strengths and accepted her flaws. I thought, who could follow that? But people did. And each did beautifully adding more and more to the ripple of love that was Anne as she spread through the room out into the universe. Everyone spoke many without words but instead with feelings that resonated as loud as the amplified voices through the speakers.
David Field honored us with lovely background acoustic guitar music while George set up for the DVD. The lights were dimmed and we were taken into a dimension of exquisite beauty and exquisite pain. Nothing could capture her life in all its true beauty as did this sonata of visual images flowing in synchrony with the emotive music they moved to. We all wept. Every last one of us. My Sofia wrapped her arms around me to offer comfort as I wept uncontrollably (inside I have not stopped ). The room was still vibrating with quiet sobbing after the DVD had finished. Nancy got up to lead us in a candle lighting ceremony to bring us full circle back into the light. We each had a candle. No words were spoken only the passing of the flame from one to the next until all were lit. We held a short time for reflection then did what I know Anne wanted us to do from the beginning. We ate and drank.... for a long time.
This continues to be a dream from which I hope to wake and see her there and perhaps that is how it works. We move form one dream into the next. So when I move from this dream into the next I will find her there...waiting.
My love to you all,
Dennis
People began to arrive. The hall was splendid, elegant, done in pinks and lavenders of fabric and ribbon. There were flowers everywhere. At the back of the hall was a stage the entire front section of which was turned into a magnificent alter of fabric, flowers, candles and accented with elegantly adorned Thai umbrellas and a poster size photo of Anne. In the side room off the kitchen were several tables laden with food and drinks. There was a professional sound and projection system donated, set up and operated by Angela's new found love George. There are no words possible to extol the efforts, love and dedication which he poured into the creation of the DVD and presentation of this event. There are so many to thank but it seems that the creation of the day for Anne was all the thanks anyone really needed or wanted. And it was a beautiful day both inside and outside. The air was clear, warm and sparkled with the hope that sunlight brings. It was a perfect day and I have no doubt that Anne had seen to it.
It was time to begin, at least the "formal" part of it. I approached the microphone and confessed my state of mind. I began to speak/read slowly, thinking "Anne help me out here".
She did . I felt her hand in mine, I was still nervous but began to tell the story of our meeting and the words flowed and the thoughts connected. I managed to get through without spoiling everything, although there was so much more I wanted to and needed to say. Joy Willow played piano and sang a beautiful song she had written to honor Anne. Then Russell recited with impressive eloquence, two poems by Mary Oliver whose work Anne loved. Joy made another beautiful offering in a selection called "Spirit Fly" There was a stillness in the room when Owen got up to play. We were all with him. We were all directly connected to Anne through Owen and Lucy. In some ways this day, also was about them. As Owen prepared to play he said he wasn't sure if he would be able to in his emotional state. Laura was at his side. He played magnificently, two Bach violin solos the composer wrote in honor of his wife after she died. I remember sitting in Anne's living room. Owen, violin and bow in hand, closed the door behind him to the room where Anne lay wrapped in silk and played the same two pieces for her. I was so deeply moved by the presence of his being and the deep passion that vibrated through the strings to fill the air. We all felt it that day. We were all grateful for this beautiful gift. Then our angel, Angela, spoke from a place inspired by the heavens. She captured the essence of Anne's spirit that only the love, long friendship and the shared intimacies of a woman to woman relationship could. I was in awe of how deeply she understood Anne and held dear all her idiosyncrasies. How she revered her strengths and accepted her flaws. I thought, who could follow that? But people did. And each did beautifully adding more and more to the ripple of love that was Anne as she spread through the room out into the universe. Everyone spoke many without words but instead with feelings that resonated as loud as the amplified voices through the speakers.
David Field honored us with lovely background acoustic guitar music while George set up for the DVD. The lights were dimmed and we were taken into a dimension of exquisite beauty and exquisite pain. Nothing could capture her life in all its true beauty as did this sonata of visual images flowing in synchrony with the emotive music they moved to. We all wept. Every last one of us. My Sofia wrapped her arms around me to offer comfort as I wept uncontrollably (inside I have not stopped ). The room was still vibrating with quiet sobbing after the DVD had finished. Nancy got up to lead us in a candle lighting ceremony to bring us full circle back into the light. We each had a candle. No words were spoken only the passing of the flame from one to the next until all were lit. We held a short time for reflection then did what I know Anne wanted us to do from the beginning. We ate and drank.... for a long time.
This continues to be a dream from which I hope to wake and see her there and perhaps that is how it works. We move form one dream into the next. So when I move from this dream into the next I will find her there...waiting.
My love to you all,
Dennis
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
on the way
I did promise a full report of the celebration and it will be forth coming. I am just too exhausted to write it this evening but didn't want to leave everyone wondering. It was one of the most heartfelt, love infused, joy making, heart aching, events I have ever been a part of. It was truly beautiful and honored our Annie as she so richly deserved. There will be a DVD so you will be able to see and hear those who spoke as well as the musical offerings.
More to follow later.
Dennis
More to follow later.
Dennis
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