Emerging Realities

The days and nights have taken on a strange reality for me. They emerge and merge and I go drifting through them performing my regularly scheduled duties but the color is dulled the tastes are less distinct. My sleep no longer is my sanctuary as it has been all my life. There is no escaping this ache I carry. How is this possible? Where does it come from? I have loved with all my heart and been loved in return . Why is there such pain? My heart is not empty I can still feel her with me. Yet the pain is there. I am told that it will take time and I guess that is so . But time for what to happen? Perhaps the memories get replaced with new ones. The old ones begin to fade. The feelings may become faded as well. I don't know. But I am beginning to realize that the experience Anne and I went through was traumatic. With all the beautiful moments we shared, the deep intimacy, and oh so necessary bonding in the final analysis we faced and endured a reality that was frightening. I am beginning to understand the incredible courage that Anne mustered from within to take on this unthinkable edict rendered her. I don't know if she was ever able to take it in fully, but as the haze in my mind clears, as my heart regains its balance, I see and feel the overwhelming weight she must have been under all that time. It leaves me speechless. I am numb from the thought. My heart aches. I feel so badly for you Annie. My greatest hope is that you always felt surrounded by love and that you feel it still. Then my heart will be at peace. I guess in some ways that is the source of the pain that I feel. I need to know she felt and feels love. That she left this world with her heart filled ready to enter the next. That she left behind the traumas she endured and opened her heart fully to the new world she now embraces. I guess there is no way of knowing with my mind, but I am hoping my heart will find a way.

I have received many wonderful emails which I am so very thankful for. Your expressions of love for Anne and generous thoughtfulness towards me have lifted my heart often from very deep despair. Love truly is the only healer. I have always believed it and this experience makes me know it all the more. Please forgive me if I have been unable to respond. It is not for lack of wanting to but only lack of time.

I will try to make an entry later this week prior to the celebration but if not I will make a full reporting of the event afterwards.

Love to All,

Dennis

these days

It seems the numbness from the shock is beginning to wear off as I become ever more aware of the undercurrent of pain that exists deep inside. It is a different kind of pain then before it lives in a place I could only describe as the roots of my heart. They seem to travel to the center of the earth and that is where I feel the pain. There is no remedy for this kind of pain at least at this moment. I get a bit of relief when I can open to Anne's spiritual presence but for the past two days I have been immersed in preparations for Nov. 4 which included pouring through hundreds of Anne's photos for the DVD. I cried as I worked sorting through. Maxine comforted me with an embrace. Perhaps things will lift at and after the celebration, as Anne's life and presence are brought into focus and shared by all of us honoring her rebirth into the spiritual realm. I have no way of knowing but it somehow seems so.

In the meantime the celebration plan is emerging and will contain beautiful musical offerings, a wonderfully decorated setting and the voices of those who hold her love in their hearts. And thanks to the generosity of Angela's boyfriend George, who has donated countless hours of his professional time, there will be a DVD spanning Anne's life in picture and music. George the only word that applies here is you have been a mench in the full sense of that word. Thank you.

I have received some very wonderful emails and I am grateful for the love and support that is helping to sustain me through these days. If there are any "Anne stories" out there for sharing it would great to receive those as well. I would like to gather all the stores I can to create a commemorative collection as mentioned in the previous post.

Annie I love you and I know you both hear and feel me as I do you.


Much love,

Dennis

First Time Back to Anne's House

Probably one of the most difficult moments I have ever faced in my life was retuning to Anne's house on Sunday afternoon. The combination of heartache and emptiness I felt was searing and I don't really know how I managed to get through it. My two youngest Nick and Sofia were there along with Lucy, Owen, Nancy, Russell, Angela, and Leslie. We had just finished a birthday brunch for Lucy's 19th at Russell's and went to Anne's to sort through "stuff ". The mood was not somber and was in fact light. The sun was shining and the kids and the party added a bit of festivity to the day. I know that is what Anne wanted for Lucy and everyone. I felt her spirit there right in the middle of everything but I needed to see her smile, to hear her voice, and feel the touch her hand in mine. It is so hard to grasp this reality. It just doesn't fit into anything I can make sense of. And yet that may be the very thing that will alter my view of life in ways I could never experience otherwise. I just don't know what they are. At least not yet. It may take a very long time but I have learned to be patient, especially for life's important lessons. They're worth it.

I have gained a good deal of strength from the continuous support given through the comments left here, emails, phone calls and cards. It lifts my spirits to hear about how Anne had touched your lives, as she did (and still does) mine. With that in mind, I would like to put together a collection of stories about Anne. So, I am asking whoever would like to contribute a story (not too lengthy) , to either send an email or put as a comment here or mail me letter with some thing you remember about being with Anne. A funny story, how she influenced you, made you mad, how you met, description of how she looked one day. I believe it will be an important part of the healing process and a wonderful gift for Owen, Lucy, Mary-Brent, Harry and me. If you have a photo that is part of the story that would be great. For those of you who are coming to the Anne's life-celebration on 11/4 please bring your story with you. You may want to share it.

The Anne's life-celebration will be held on Sunday, November 4th at 2:00 pm, at Graton Hall on the corner of Graton Rd. and S. Edison. It is easy to find and is near Anne's house.
Get on route 116 West through and past Sebastopol about 5 miles (not sure of the millage) turn left at Graton road (traffic light). Down the hill to the stop sign and the hall is on the right.
It would be helpful to have a count of people who intend to come. Food and drinks will follow at around 3:30.

My email is.... dennisp@sbcglobal.net

Street address:
Dennis Puorro
231 16th Avenue
San Francisco, CA 94118

Love to All,

Dennis

Her Loving Presence Lives On.

I find myself slipping in and out of a dream state. It is as if I am straddling this world and the next. A part of me is with Anne on the other side. Somehow I have taken that journey with her. I suppose I truly have as she is still right here with me. I hear her voice and feel her presence as I go through my day. While the weight of all the lost "might have beens" can be crushing at times I am finding comfort in all that we did have. The opening to her spiritual presence keeps the true essence of the relationship very much alive. Last night I climbed into bed with her bathrobe held close to my chest. The feeling was different then times before when I was filled with sorrow. There was joy. She was right there. I could feel her embrace but it was around my heart not my body. In the morning it was like we woke together to begin our day together. I was filled with ideas for the day and eager to get going. The feeling was similar to the other morning when she came to me in a dream but somehow more tangible as I felt her bodily presence through the bathrobe. At times I realize I am still very much in shock, and most likely will be so for some time to come. But there is some wonderful sweetness as I slowly piece myself and my life back together with the loving, purity of Anne's spirit lifting me gently back into this world.
I don't know what lies ahead as each moment can hold a new realization or a painful reminder of her physical absence. I do know that the deep relentless sorrow has eased and given way to the heart connection that continues to evolve.

I have received an incredible outpouring of support through cards and calls from Anne's extended family, her friends as well as from my own. It is wonderful to hear about your experiences with Anne and stories you remember. It is the memories that we hold in our hearts that keep her right here with us and eases the pain of her absence.

The commemorative celebration of Anne's life will (as far as I know semi-officially) be held at the Graton Hall on Sunday November 4th at 2:00 P.M. Final details will be posted by the end of the week (I think).


Much Love to All,

Dennis

P.S. When I woke I heard Anne tell me to go to the movies tonight instead of the bereavement group. I was torn about not going to the group but felt compelled to go to the movies. I went to see "Michael Clayton". The first trailer they showed before the movie started was about a young couple. He is found to be terminally ill but before he dies he writes letters to her that are delivered to her in sequence over a period of time. Each one contained some experience she is to engage in so that she could always feel his presence and his understanding of who she is. I did not think it was a coincidence. I think Anne intended for me to see the trailer to let me know she is right there.

Owen for dinner/ Anne appears (in my dream)

Last night (Monday) Owen came by for dinner. I cooked while we hung out in the kitchen talking.I recounted to Owen my first cooking experience with Anne and her critical comments and doubts about my unusual combination of flavors. I basically told her to back off and reserve her comments for the finished product and not the process. It turned out great and she was thoroughly impressed but it was probably the only time she conceded to keep her criticisms to herself. Interestingly enough I was broiling salmon last night and as I was preparing to take it out of the broiler I heard Anne's voice say "turn the fish over and broil the other side" I was worried the fish was over cooked so I didn't turn it. We set the table including a place for Anne and began the meal. Sure enough the underside of the fish was uncooked. I told Owen what I heard Anne say and put the fish back into the broiler bottom side up. It was wonderful to spend that time with Owen. I could feel Ann's presence, her love for her son and her love for me for taking care of him. After he left I became busy with cleaning up and some unfinished paper work. Also spoke to Russel and Nancy. But the nights are the toughest and by bed time my heart was aching from missing her so. It only got worse through the night and was as bad a night as I have had except for the the first few days after she passed. It was a fitful sleep, waking a number of times but just before I was going to wake for the morning Anne appeared. We were standing in her kitchen. She was waring her bathrobe, her hair had grown in about an inch. She stood there with sparkling blues looking right into mine, a big smile and arms open wide. I through my arms around her and we just held one another. No words were spoken. No words were needed. My heart was filled. When I woke she was still there with me. My heart was light.
I have no doubt that she came to me to ease my heart and mind and to let me know that her love for me was still there. It was truly amazing grace. Thank you my Annie. It is a thin veil between this world and the the next. Love knows no boundaries.

It is not yet official but the memorial date will be changed from Sat. Nov. 3 to Sun. Nov. 4 .
We are also planning on having a memorial bench with Anne's name placed in Armstrong Woods.


Much love,

Dennis