Scattered Thoughts and Phone Calls

It is now just over a week since Anne left her physical body to fully embrace the spiritual world she felt so connected to. As the shock, although still very present, has begun to subside, I feel Anne with me more and more. She is present with me at work and is guiding my hands as I use spontaneous massage techniques on my patients. I'm not sure if I can call them techniques as they are strokes totally unknown to me yet they are having great effects. I choose to believe it is her spirit coming through and whether it is in fact so or not it brings me comfort. I have been comforted by my phone contacts with Mary Brent, and Harry who are gracious enough to support me as they go through their own grief process. I have received support from Angela, Stephen, Nancy and my own family. I spoke to Owen tonight and we're planning to meet for dinner Monday. I felt that Anne's love for the two of us was right there as we spoke and in that moment the pain was gone and an internal softness was present that has been absent since she became severely ill last month. I am certain that the last thing Anne would want is for those she loves to be suffering. If there was a way to experience loss without pain however, I would not accept it. I believe the pain is very necessary and important to guide us to higher levels of awareness and growth. It really only becomes suffering if it is pain for pain's sake and nothing else. I miss her with all my heart and I will honor her memory by living into my grief and letting it guide me to a greater sensitivity to myself and others.

We are working out the plans for the memorial. The obituary, although written, is still on Nancy's computer awaiting final editing.

Love to All,

Dennis

Words and memorial service date

I may be writing this for my own purposes but perhaps someone is still looking at the blog and is curious as to what's been happening since Anne's passing last Friday. On Friday Angela and Nancy spent the day preparing the house and Anne for the funeral. While the memory of that moment is painful I must say she looked absolutely beautiful. That evening Owen and I built a simple pine casket which was placed in the living room. Saturday morning Lucy and Leslie made some last minute decorating changes to massage room table where Anne was laid out to suit Anne's taste.People began to arrive around noon and were invited to decorate the casket with the various art materials on hand. There were many talented artists in the group among those who rendered wonderfully touching images and designs. As the day and evening wore on the box was transformed into a work of art. It's hard to say exactly how many people came that day but it seemed like the house was filled the entire time. A few people came on Sunday including my three children. Later that day Owen played violin for Anne. It was very moving. Steve had been playing guitar on and off that day which created a wonderfully soothing atmosphere. I can't bare to, nor do I think it's fitting to go into any of the details about Monday morning at the mortuary but it was at this point that the pain I was holding back came rushing to the surface. In the midst of my inconsolable state I suddenly felt Anne's spirit lift towards the heavens. I felt her and could see her spirit as if my heart had eyes. My chest immediately ceased its heaving and my breathing slowly returned to normal. I knew she was free. I was being held by Nancy and Angela who have been incredibly supportive to Anne and me throughout.

For me the world is no longer the same place. I don't know what that is about except that I have had the great gift of loving so deeply and completely it feels impossible to bear its loss. Slowly I will come to realize as the shock and the pain subside that the love remains and life goes on perhaps in some ways richer for the love thats been.

Thank you my beloved Annie. For our time together can not be measured by a calendar or clock but only by the bond we created which has felt like a life time. I love you and always will.

It may not be necessary give thanks to all of you who have been so supportive with prayers, words, thoughts, time and gifts of food, but I know that Anne has always been so grateful as have I. Thank you so much. It is wonderful to be a part of this loving community of family and friends

We are tentatively planning a memorial service on Saturday November 3rd. The location to be determined.


Much love to all,

Dennis

visiting with Anne 9/22 12-6 pm Directions below:

Anne is here at the home for paying of respects, blessings, prayers.
Take 116 to Graton Road, turn toward Graton. At center of Graton, turn left at stop sign on
S. Edison Street. Go through first stop on Donald, Anne's house is second driveway on left, 316 S. Edison. 707-829-0875

On The Wings of Angels

Our Annie is in exquisite beauty and peace. She was ushered upward on the wings of angels earlier this morning as we surrounded her and witnessed her blessed passing. As my heart became numb from the overwhelming rush of pain it was comforted by the amazing aura of peace emanating from Anne. I still am waiting to hear her call my name to help her out of bed. The reality escapes me but not the constant love that will always be. Last evening, as Anne lay still, her breaths quiet and slow, Nancy, Angela, Leslie, and Maureen tended her while Russell and I exchanged life stories in the living room. Lucy was with her friend Tina. Owen was being comforted by his girlfriend Laura. The house was serene with an air of sweet sadness. I believe that the quality of those last hours were manifested by Anne's internal peace and her desire to let us know she is and will be fine. It was evident by how she looked as she passed from this world into the next. Annie my beloved, your timing and intent were filled with the grace and beauty that you embodied. Thank you for honoring us the privilege of being with you .You live always in our hearts.

At this time we are preparing the house for an in home funeral. We would like to invite anyone who wishes to be with Anne to visit tomorrow (Saturday) between 12 p.m.and 6p.m.

Please surround Harry and Mary Brent with your love and thoughts of comfort. I can not imagine the grief that losing a child brings.

Love,

Dennis

Your prayers received

Anne was sitting up in bed while those who came to the prayer group here sat in a circle on the back lawn and each of you were praying from a far. Your prayers were felt by Anne. She turned to me and looked into my eyes with great intensity and said "I think I am going to live". It was said with an up lifted spirit that I had not seen from her in a long time. I am certain it was her being held by all of you at that moment that freed her from her fears and struggle. It was wonderful to see her let go. She seemed more at peace and has been so since. She does not seem to be experiencing much pain and is only getting low doses of medication. She manages to get up out of bed with help and walk to the bath room and sometimes living room to sit on the couch. She is sleeping most of the time and talking incessantly in her slumber as only Anne could. I can't tell you how or why it is happening but she appears more beautiful to me each day. Perhaps it is the beauty that happens as we surrender to innocence. That same innocence and purity of a new born. She is returning and we are there to witness her passage home. I can't begin to tell you the pain that fills my body at this moment but if it is framed with the purpose of helping her in her return home, it becomes somehow, sweet pain. Surround her with your love, lift her spirit with you prayers and escort her to the threshold from where ever you are.

Love,

Dennis

Prayer Circle Monday 9/17 7pm

Anne is at home, resting mostly, with a view of her beautiful garden and with friends helping her with her needs. She is not, thank God, in the intense pain she was in earlier and her lucidity comes and goes.

We are asking for all to join in a prayer circle, where ever you are tomorrow, Monday, between 7 and 9 pm. Please hold Anne in your hearts, prayers and meditations with the intention to assist her in her transition.

She is not asking for visitors at this time. Please respect her need for quiet and contemplation.

Thank you for all your support and compassion,

russell

Holding her in our hearts

I truly don't know where to begin or how I will be able to write this. We have to prepare Anne and ourselves for her final hours. She has no hope of recovering from this illness and is already in a very weakened state. She has fought so valiantly and rallied time and again but there are too many fronts for her to fight. She can no longer hold on. The doctors have given her a choice to continue to fight what will ultimately be a losing battle or return home with hospice care and family for at most two weeks. On Saturday we will be returning to Graton to spend time looking at the garden and finding comfort in knowing that time is but eternity turned inside out and that we will have forever together on the other side. We all have shared and continue to share many beautiful moments with Anne. I consider this one one of the most beautiful of all. We can not experience deep joy if we do not experience deep pain as well. I revel in the joy and the pain I have shared with her and at this moment it is exquisitely so. You have filled my life with great joy my Annie. I am forever grateful.

Please take comfort in knowing that Anne is in much less pain then she has been in this past week. Surround her with whatever thoughts and prayers you believe will help her crossover.
Hold her in your heart.

Much love to all,

Dennis

A Ray of Light in a Dark Hour

The last five days have been harrowing to say the least. Anne has been tossed around like a leaf in a gale by what we thought was graft versus host disease. While the GVHD was started intentionally in an effort to combat the leukemia it put her in a downward spiral which seemed would only be stopped by a miracle.It may not qualify as a real miracle but tonight's news sure feels like one to me. Last Friday Anne was given a colon-oscopy with tissue samples taken to determine the source of her condition. It takes several days for the results of the specimens to come back from the lab.In the mean time Anne's condition worsened. The clinical picture seemed to point to GVHD so the doctors decided to treat her based on that picture. She did not respond and things were looking bleak. The preliminary results of the biopsy came back this afternoon which indicate a viral infection and not GHVD or at least not severe GHVD as they feared. The virus is most likely CMV which Anne has had before and cleared with an antiviral drug. She was placed on a stepped up dose of the antiviral drug and put on a reduced dose of the steroids they were using to stop the GVHD. The final report will come back Tuesday or Wednesday by then Anne should be feeling a good deal better.
I am not sure if I can accurately describe all that I have experienced going through this along side of Anne. What I know at this moment is a tremendous weight has been lifted from body. My heart feels light again. We are not out of the woods but at least we are back on the path towards home. I pray that she has experienced the worst of her suffering,it is over never to return again.
At the moment she is resting peacefully.With all that she has been through and endured she some how manages to frame the experience as part of her path to enligthenment. Amazing
Tonight I think I will sleep well.

Thank you all for the constant support and ongoing prayers

Love,

Dennis

Requuest for Big Prayer

I am feeling really bad. My colonoscopy/endoscopy look like it is GVH. Safest would be to wait for the biopsies to come back in a few days. But Tx - prednisone may bee needed sooner. And possibly aspirating some more fluid off my abdomen.

I am somewhat demented from the dilaudid - nightmarish. Sleep is the only relief, but that is limited to a few hours here and there.

Love,
Anne


Anne is truely struggling, completely worn out. The pain, unbearable at times, comes in waves. She now has a pump which provides an instant dose of dilaudid - and sometimes that's not enough. Her distended belly cries for relief .

The attending physician was just in and it's looking more and more like GVH. The G.I. physician will be consulted and a course of treatment will begin. Unfortunately, the biopsy results won't be back until Monday or Tuesday, at the earliest.

Love,
Nancy


PPS: from Anne - a little nap has made me feel a little better, both mentally and physically.

Thank you, my dears

It is Wed. morning. Hey, I finally have a good room - it is a double, so I could lose it. I think I might be feeling a little better today. Still no diagnosis. My oncologist is not on the floor, so he wants the guy who is - who is not an oncologist, but an internist, to figure it out- and. surgeons pop in an out, and I do not really feel held. "Not conclusive for gall bladder disease", and they talked about doing a test to see if my gall bladder is blocked, but have yet to schedule it. My oncologist doesn't really see surgery as an option, and says the gall bladder will always eventuall calm down.

I have gained 15 lbs of water weight, yet my urine is very dark and I fell very thirsty. It is all in my abdomen, which impedes my ability to breathe, so I am on oxygen. I have the runs, of pure bile. My blood counts have all gone down.

Meanwhile, my doc is finally (said he'd start last week) researching clininical trials.

Well, it is hard for me to be feeling optomistic at this point, but that is probably mostly because I feel so bad. So please intensify your prayers, for both the immediate problem and the long term.

Love,
Anne

they say

They say God only gives you what you can handle. I guess God thinks that Anne can handle a lot.
On top of her going out of remission she is now back in the hospital with an inflamed /infected gall bladder and faces possible surgery if antibiotics don't resolve it. Her symptoms have steadily worsened over the past 5 or 6 days from fever to nausea to severe abdominal pain. I will forgo the details at this time but say that in her typical iron willed style she has faced it and continues to so with great focus, determination and purpose. She has gotten some relief from Dilaudid a powerful pain medication. We'll know more in the next few days and hopefully the pain will subside as the gall bladder calms down. This of course is the very highly edited and shortened version of this past week's events and details but it's all I have time or energy for right now.

Love to all,

Dennis