Our Birthday 2007

December 2o, 2007

hey you, i guess i have been out of touch but do think of you and am thankful for all your thoughts and prayers.... today has been a tough one being Anne's and my birthday but i received a ton of love from the kids.. had lunch with Maxine and dinner with the neighbors... things are a bit better... my state of mind is uncertain these days but am able to keep focus around the important things .. family, work and friends my heart is still very broken but there seems to be a shift towards wholeness through a good deal of spiritual surrender and internal forgiveness... there are dark times when i feel like i can't go on but the light always breaks through to renew my hope and lift my spirit.... i guess the only thing we can ever really know is that everything changes constantly...... we have to be able to recognize and honor that continuum of change as an integral part of our existence... it is our evolving identity which requires our constant attention.... I guess that could be what love really is... somehow that fits at least in my thoughts in this moment... i hope you are well and feeling free and happy

love D

Above is the email I wrote to my friend Timmie who is a survivor of breast cancer and has been a constant support through it all. I wrote the night of the 20th after a beautiful and soulful celebration with Angela, George, Nina and the kids. We had dinner and home made chocolate ice cream. We sang to Anne and me. We laughed, hugged and remembered. The house was filled with love. I felt loved, deeply so, and it was good medicine for me, as the morning had been heartbreakingly painful. Maxine finished class at noon, that day, and took me out to lunch. What a blessing that was. It was a gift without measure. We sat and talked openly and radiated that inexplicable love bond that exists between parent and child. The darkened sky in my heart began to open and some light broke through. We went to whole foods to shop for dinner.
She took off to meet friends and I went home to prepare for the evening. Nick and Sofia arrived home from school and began to help prepare. More light came streaming in. Angela and George arrived just after six. There were some much needed hugs given all around and Angela jumped right in to help with the cooking. Nina and her youngest son Demetri arrived and by then a wonderfully festive feeling was permeating the air.That feeling grew as the evening progressed and Anne's spirit was very much a part of it all. She was right in the room having fun with us all and was pigging out on the ice cream through me. It was really good and according to Angela the best she has ever tasted. George and I played guitar while the kids were having fun and conversations went on. Wendy my other neighbor stopped in to add more cheer. An assembly line clean up and sweet sweet goodbyes. Anne stayed. I felt her presence so strongly. That night I slept the best I had in long time.

It was so good to feel Anne as I did that night. I was in Florida earlier that week visiting my father, sister and her family. It was my first trip back since my mom died in February and my first physical contact with my family since Anne died. I felt like I was caught in the emotion blender with deep sadness and sweet tender feelings swirling through me at the same time. When my dad and I went to Venice to visit Mary Brent and Harry the blender switched to liquefy. I became totally unglued remembering Anne and my "meet the parents trip" in November of last year. It was wonderful to be with Mary Brent and Harry. They took us out to lunch at the Crow's Nest. But it was hard for me to hold up under the pain of her not being with me there. When we were there last year I saw an almost miraculous shift in Anne's spirit. She seemed more at peace. She loved it there. She loved the warmth of the gulf water, the sun, the beach and she loved being cared for by her parents. It was wonderful to see her feel so at ease and care free. It seemed to be a salve for her wounds and I was glad for her. The visit with Mary Brent and Harry was very important and healing for me and I felt it was the same for them.

There is so much I learn and grow from experiencing the dark despair and pain as it always leads me to the light. A light which shines on a part of my inner world that I had not seen before. I am in a love/hate relationship with this pain process but I don't know of any other way and it does seem to be getting just a bit easier.

Love to one and all,

Dennis

Letter to My Beloved

My Dearest Annie,

It is now over two months since I last felt your hand in mine, since I heard your voice, since my heart sang with the joy of your embrace. I miss you so. It is hard for me to believe you will not be coming back to me. It is hard for me to be in this life without you. I can not find the opening in my thoughts, in my mind , or in my heart to comprehend why you are no longer with me. How do I bring myself to understand what has happened to you? Where are you? There isn't a waking moment that you are not in my thoughts. I relive, over and over, the words you said, the experiences we shared, and the dreams we dreamed. I remember the times you filled my heart with exquisite joy and the times you made my heart ache , the times you enfolded me with the sweet intimacy of your being and the times you pushed me away. But deep inside I always knew you loved me. I always knew you had a hard time showing me just how much. How do you experience me now? I continue to hear your voice and think what you would say about the clothes I am wearing,the food I am eating or the condition of my kitchen floor. I was at your house on Monday. It was bitter sweet. The furniture was gone, the walls were bare but the memories remained. I cleaned the bathroom with the same obsessive fervor you put into keeping your home operating room clean. It felt good and I did it because I knew it is the way you wanted to return the house to Jane. Nancy had done the same with rest of the house and the garden. Did you hear us and see us when we said our prayers to you and final goodbyes to the house that housed your spirit and your body, that held the memories of our first kiss. How and where will I find you? I hold fast to the memories of our togetherness, to the scent of you through your bathrobe, to the sight of you in photos and in the feel of you in my heart. This heart that lives in the disbelief of your absence. It searches unrelentingly for any sign of your return for it can not comprehend the loss of your being. It can not comprehend that this world can exist, that itself can exist without the well of love that you provided. I know you struggled to open your heart to embrace the world and me without condition or judgment, to love freely, unconditionally and completely. I cherish those moments when the walls between us magically lifted and we enfolded one another in the sweetness and purity of our souls. This is where I find you still. This is the place that remains forever in my heart.The physical memories may fade but those moments, when our hearts and souls joined in the innocence and simplicity of our being, will burn brightly in the heavenly skies of my heart forever. I hope that you are at peace, that you can still feel my love and that this new journey has brought you the freedom of soul you so longed for. Perhaps as my heart learns the language of the eternal soul I will find you have never left at all and have just been waiting for me to catch up.

Te amo,

Dennis