.... My sadness and grief is like a drop, next to the ocean of your grief and sadness and loss. I think of you a lot. I think of you and wonder which breeze is blowing through. How're you doing? Knowing it changes. Knowing it's intense and then it eases up and then it gets intense again. And time passes and your heart is a little less raw, open and soft and tender, and a little less raw. I don't think I ever felt more open hearted and connected and alive in some way as I did soon after Stephen died. It felt unbearable sometimes, but the love was so strong. and sometimes it felt like I was connected to every one who has ever lost someone dear. I felt part of something so much bigger than myself.
It was mind boggling to me how intense the pain was and to know that at that very moment that pain was being felt by millions of lovers who'd lost their loved ones and millions of mothers who's children died and millions of brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and husbands and wives and on and on... It's so personal and it's so universal.
So, I send love and prayers.
Mary
January 20, 2008
Dear Mary,
Something called to me to look at my email before going to bed. I heard it in my heart and there was your email to me. So very timely and true. The reality is constantly shape shifting for me and there are days when I almost feel OK but I never quite get there. I never quite get to that OK or at least not for very long. There is that tide of emotion that ebbs and flows inside and the current sinks deeper as the physical reality of Anne moves further back in linear time. But somehow sadness and sorrow always float to the surface especially on these clear full moon nights when I wish she was here to hold and share in the magic that pervades the air. And yes I too feel that inexplicable connection with all those who have lost a loved one. Someone who's life and loss have altered the way you perceive the world. It is not at all real to me yet. I am still waiting for that phone call. Still waiting to hear her voice. I sometimes think I have lost my mind. That this is some kind of dream I have fallen into and can't seem to wake from. I know it is part of process, part of healing but it seems to have no end. At least in my heart, it feels that way.
Thanks so much for your continued support. You are a dear friend I did not know I had but am grateful that you are.
As for the stuff perhaps Angela or Owen can get them. I will call.
Love,
Dennis
It wasn't until yesterday that I realized the 20th was the anniversary of our spiritual marriage. The ceremony over the next nine months that was filled with poetry and joy, sorrow and tears, laughter and silence,dancing and stillness, confusion and bonding, rapture and pain. It was a ceremony to last into the next life time. It was a ceremony of a deep and abiding love that I can not explain or identify its source. It just was and still is. There must be a way to peal back that veil that separates this world and the next just long enough for one touch of the hand, one kiss on the lips to complete the ceremony in I dos for all eternity. Perhaps it isn't necessary since I know our souls have been married for a long time. But it would have been a joy filled day to have held her hand into marriage.... here in this place.. where ever it is that we are.
Love to whoever is still reading this,
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