Our Birthday 2007

December 2o, 2007

hey you, i guess i have been out of touch but do think of you and am thankful for all your thoughts and prayers.... today has been a tough one being Anne's and my birthday but i received a ton of love from the kids.. had lunch with Maxine and dinner with the neighbors... things are a bit better... my state of mind is uncertain these days but am able to keep focus around the important things .. family, work and friends my heart is still very broken but there seems to be a shift towards wholeness through a good deal of spiritual surrender and internal forgiveness... there are dark times when i feel like i can't go on but the light always breaks through to renew my hope and lift my spirit.... i guess the only thing we can ever really know is that everything changes constantly...... we have to be able to recognize and honor that continuum of change as an integral part of our existence... it is our evolving identity which requires our constant attention.... I guess that could be what love really is... somehow that fits at least in my thoughts in this moment... i hope you are well and feeling free and happy

love D

Above is the email I wrote to my friend Timmie who is a survivor of breast cancer and has been a constant support through it all. I wrote the night of the 20th after a beautiful and soulful celebration with Angela, George, Nina and the kids. We had dinner and home made chocolate ice cream. We sang to Anne and me. We laughed, hugged and remembered. The house was filled with love. I felt loved, deeply so, and it was good medicine for me, as the morning had been heartbreakingly painful. Maxine finished class at noon, that day, and took me out to lunch. What a blessing that was. It was a gift without measure. We sat and talked openly and radiated that inexplicable love bond that exists between parent and child. The darkened sky in my heart began to open and some light broke through. We went to whole foods to shop for dinner.
She took off to meet friends and I went home to prepare for the evening. Nick and Sofia arrived home from school and began to help prepare. More light came streaming in. Angela and George arrived just after six. There were some much needed hugs given all around and Angela jumped right in to help with the cooking. Nina and her youngest son Demetri arrived and by then a wonderfully festive feeling was permeating the air.That feeling grew as the evening progressed and Anne's spirit was very much a part of it all. She was right in the room having fun with us all and was pigging out on the ice cream through me. It was really good and according to Angela the best she has ever tasted. George and I played guitar while the kids were having fun and conversations went on. Wendy my other neighbor stopped in to add more cheer. An assembly line clean up and sweet sweet goodbyes. Anne stayed. I felt her presence so strongly. That night I slept the best I had in long time.

It was so good to feel Anne as I did that night. I was in Florida earlier that week visiting my father, sister and her family. It was my first trip back since my mom died in February and my first physical contact with my family since Anne died. I felt like I was caught in the emotion blender with deep sadness and sweet tender feelings swirling through me at the same time. When my dad and I went to Venice to visit Mary Brent and Harry the blender switched to liquefy. I became totally unglued remembering Anne and my "meet the parents trip" in November of last year. It was wonderful to be with Mary Brent and Harry. They took us out to lunch at the Crow's Nest. But it was hard for me to hold up under the pain of her not being with me there. When we were there last year I saw an almost miraculous shift in Anne's spirit. She seemed more at peace. She loved it there. She loved the warmth of the gulf water, the sun, the beach and she loved being cared for by her parents. It was wonderful to see her feel so at ease and care free. It seemed to be a salve for her wounds and I was glad for her. The visit with Mary Brent and Harry was very important and healing for me and I felt it was the same for them.

There is so much I learn and grow from experiencing the dark despair and pain as it always leads me to the light. A light which shines on a part of my inner world that I had not seen before. I am in a love/hate relationship with this pain process but I don't know of any other way and it does seem to be getting just a bit easier.

Love to one and all,

Dennis