Letter to My Beloved

My Dearest Annie,

It is now over two months since I last felt your hand in mine, since I heard your voice, since my heart sang with the joy of your embrace. I miss you so. It is hard for me to believe you will not be coming back to me. It is hard for me to be in this life without you. I can not find the opening in my thoughts, in my mind , or in my heart to comprehend why you are no longer with me. How do I bring myself to understand what has happened to you? Where are you? There isn't a waking moment that you are not in my thoughts. I relive, over and over, the words you said, the experiences we shared, and the dreams we dreamed. I remember the times you filled my heart with exquisite joy and the times you made my heart ache , the times you enfolded me with the sweet intimacy of your being and the times you pushed me away. But deep inside I always knew you loved me. I always knew you had a hard time showing me just how much. How do you experience me now? I continue to hear your voice and think what you would say about the clothes I am wearing,the food I am eating or the condition of my kitchen floor. I was at your house on Monday. It was bitter sweet. The furniture was gone, the walls were bare but the memories remained. I cleaned the bathroom with the same obsessive fervor you put into keeping your home operating room clean. It felt good and I did it because I knew it is the way you wanted to return the house to Jane. Nancy had done the same with rest of the house and the garden. Did you hear us and see us when we said our prayers to you and final goodbyes to the house that housed your spirit and your body, that held the memories of our first kiss. How and where will I find you? I hold fast to the memories of our togetherness, to the scent of you through your bathrobe, to the sight of you in photos and in the feel of you in my heart. This heart that lives in the disbelief of your absence. It searches unrelentingly for any sign of your return for it can not comprehend the loss of your being. It can not comprehend that this world can exist, that itself can exist without the well of love that you provided. I know you struggled to open your heart to embrace the world and me without condition or judgment, to love freely, unconditionally and completely. I cherish those moments when the walls between us magically lifted and we enfolded one another in the sweetness and purity of our souls. This is where I find you still. This is the place that remains forever in my heart.The physical memories may fade but those moments, when our hearts and souls joined in the innocence and simplicity of our being, will burn brightly in the heavenly skies of my heart forever. I hope that you are at peace, that you can still feel my love and that this new journey has brought you the freedom of soul you so longed for. Perhaps as my heart learns the language of the eternal soul I will find you have never left at all and have just been waiting for me to catch up.

Te amo,

Dennis