Easter has been on my mind a great deal as I recall the preparations Anne and I made for it this time last year. She had just come out of the hospital about a week or so. She was doing OK, weak but feeling good and oh so happy to be out of there and home again. We planned an Easter egg hunt in her backyard for Nick and Sofia Eater Sunday afternoon. Easter morning was spent at my house with the kids waking to the baskets delivered by ol' E B ( most of which came from Anne's easter stash in her storage shed). Anne was sequestered in Graton with Nancy hiding "treasure" filled eggs in the yard awaiting our arrival. I remember keenly the feel, taste,and fragrance of the air when we arrived in Graton. Anne was radiant wearing a wide brimmed deep pink sun hat. It fit beautifully over her hairless, shaven head and created the perfect backdrop for her sparking blue eyes and welcoming smile. The sun was warm and inviting. Anne and I sat in the yard while Nick and Sofia darted about. It was a very pleasurable moment some of which was captured in photos thanks to Nancy's quick thinking and throw away camera. The kids were having a great time. We all did. There was a brief moment of seriousity when Anne could not remember how many eggs were out there or where they were located ( a by product of her therapy called "chemo-brain"). It became an on going joke as we found hidden eggs here and there through the rest of the spring and into the summer. Last Easter is a memory that is enshrined in my heart. I can go there and feel the fullness of that day and the fullness of Anne. It makes me feel very fortunate. It enriches my spirit.
Anne has seen to it that this Easter will hold wonderful memories for me as well. First off my father is here visiting for three weeks. He arrived on my mother's birthday, March 16th, and leaves the day after their 68th wedding anniversary, April 7th. All of which to me is no coincidence. This morning (Saturday 3/22) Angela called to let me know that my house had been designated as the central meeting place for the Windquists, Sutters and of course Puorros with Nancy tossed in for good measure. The Windquists and Sutters were making pick ups and drop offs at SF airport with enough time in between for dinner. My house being just 3 blocks off the route to the airport made it the perfect place for all this to happen. What a beautiful surprise. What a gift. And, they were bringing dinner to boot. I felt Anne all over it and she certainly was very present for me. Everyone arrived around 6:00 Russell and Lucy first, I arrived with Nick and Sofia after picking them up from their mom's, my dad was there waiting, Nancy came with the food, Angela, Tally and Robert walked in with her, Owen showed up about 20 minutes later and Maxine about half hour after him. We ate, talked and laughed a lot, danced, hugged, and emersed ourselves in a swirling pool of joy.I know we all felt Anne. She was right there in the middle of it all. This memory will be joined with all the others that are marked only by the feelings they evoke. They are with out time.They do not fade. They are the true treasures of life of living and of loving.
Happy Easter to one and all,
Love,
Dennis (and Anne)
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Anne is my guide
I am writing to relay my experience, feelings and what I believe is a miraculous shift in my inner being. It was about 2 or 3 weeks ago I had finally realized that Anne was gone. The realization was not in my thoughts but was in my body. It was in my cells. What I was feeling, was the acceptance of her physical transformation, her physical absence. I no longer felt or feel the deep sorrow that has permeated my every waking hour. What has replaced it is an unencumbered connection with Anne's spiritual being. I feel her in my cells in a way I can only describe as the purest essence of love. She is with me in the purity of her spirit. What image comes to me is that she has discarded everything that kept her from being the beautiful soul she truly is and is now coming to me and all us as an angel. I feel a fullness of love that I have no way of explaining other then her spiritual presence. I feel connected to the heavens and she is my guide. I am receiving a wonderful gift. She is with me every minute and is my constant companion in a way I never thought possible. My heart is light and open and I am grateful for all the unknowns that lie ahead. I am grateful for having Anne in my life now and forever.
I send blessings to all who are still reading this. Hold her in your heart for she is right there with you.
Love,
Dennis
I send blessings to all who are still reading this. Hold her in your heart for she is right there with you.
Love,
Dennis
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
The "20th"
The 20th has major significance considering it is both the day Anne and I were born and the day that we met. It was also the day one year ago, on the 20th of January, that Anne handed me the note she had written in the hospital bed at day break proposing marriage. Some how the anniversary of that day didn't come to mind right away but my body knew, my heart knew. I thought it was the impending full moon that made me read over some of the old entries of the blog, and made me feel more forlorn then usual. That night, I received a beautifully written and empathic email from Anne's friend Mary Reiter who lost her S.O. to AML some years ago. I have pasted in part of hers and my response below.
.... My sadness and grief is like a drop, next to the ocean of your grief and sadness and loss. I think of you a lot. I think of you and wonder which breeze is blowing through. How're you doing? Knowing it changes. Knowing it's intense and then it eases up and then it gets intense again. And time passes and your heart is a little less raw, open and soft and tender, and a little less raw. I don't think I ever felt more open hearted and connected and alive in some way as I did soon after Stephen died. It felt unbearable sometimes, but the love was so strong. and sometimes it felt like I was connected to every one who has ever lost someone dear. I felt part of something so much bigger than myself.
It was mind boggling to me how intense the pain was and to know that at that very moment that pain was being felt by millions of lovers who'd lost their loved ones and millions of mothers who's children died and millions of brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and husbands and wives and on and on... It's so personal and it's so universal.
So, I send love and prayers.
Mary
January 20, 2008
Dear Mary,
Something called to me to look at my email before going to bed. I heard it in my heart and there was your email to me. So very timely and true. The reality is constantly shape shifting for me and there are days when I almost feel OK but I never quite get there. I never quite get to that OK or at least not for very long. There is that tide of emotion that ebbs and flows inside and the current sinks deeper as the physical reality of Anne moves further back in linear time. But somehow sadness and sorrow always float to the surface especially on these clear full moon nights when I wish she was here to hold and share in the magic that pervades the air. And yes I too feel that inexplicable connection with all those who have lost a loved one. Someone who's life and loss have altered the way you perceive the world. It is not at all real to me yet. I am still waiting for that phone call. Still waiting to hear her voice. I sometimes think I have lost my mind. That this is some kind of dream I have fallen into and can't seem to wake from. I know it is part of process, part of healing but it seems to have no end. At least in my heart, it feels that way.
Thanks so much for your continued support. You are a dear friend I did not know I had but am grateful that you are.
As for the stuff perhaps Angela or Owen can get them. I will call.
Love,
Dennis
It wasn't until yesterday that I realized the 20th was the anniversary of our spiritual marriage. The ceremony over the next nine months that was filled with poetry and joy, sorrow and tears, laughter and silence,dancing and stillness, confusion and bonding, rapture and pain. It was a ceremony to last into the next life time. It was a ceremony of a deep and abiding love that I can not explain or identify its source. It just was and still is. There must be a way to peal back that veil that separates this world and the next just long enough for one touch of the hand, one kiss on the lips to complete the ceremony in I dos for all eternity. Perhaps it isn't necessary since I know our souls have been married for a long time. But it would have been a joy filled day to have held her hand into marriage.... here in this place.. where ever it is that we are.
Love to whoever is still reading this,
Dennis
.... My sadness and grief is like a drop, next to the ocean of your grief and sadness and loss. I think of you a lot. I think of you and wonder which breeze is blowing through. How're you doing? Knowing it changes. Knowing it's intense and then it eases up and then it gets intense again. And time passes and your heart is a little less raw, open and soft and tender, and a little less raw. I don't think I ever felt more open hearted and connected and alive in some way as I did soon after Stephen died. It felt unbearable sometimes, but the love was so strong. and sometimes it felt like I was connected to every one who has ever lost someone dear. I felt part of something so much bigger than myself.
It was mind boggling to me how intense the pain was and to know that at that very moment that pain was being felt by millions of lovers who'd lost their loved ones and millions of mothers who's children died and millions of brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and husbands and wives and on and on... It's so personal and it's so universal.
So, I send love and prayers.
Mary
January 20, 2008
Dear Mary,
Something called to me to look at my email before going to bed. I heard it in my heart and there was your email to me. So very timely and true. The reality is constantly shape shifting for me and there are days when I almost feel OK but I never quite get there. I never quite get to that OK or at least not for very long. There is that tide of emotion that ebbs and flows inside and the current sinks deeper as the physical reality of Anne moves further back in linear time. But somehow sadness and sorrow always float to the surface especially on these clear full moon nights when I wish she was here to hold and share in the magic that pervades the air. And yes I too feel that inexplicable connection with all those who have lost a loved one. Someone who's life and loss have altered the way you perceive the world. It is not at all real to me yet. I am still waiting for that phone call. Still waiting to hear her voice. I sometimes think I have lost my mind. That this is some kind of dream I have fallen into and can't seem to wake from. I know it is part of process, part of healing but it seems to have no end. At least in my heart, it feels that way.
Thanks so much for your continued support. You are a dear friend I did not know I had but am grateful that you are.
As for the stuff perhaps Angela or Owen can get them. I will call.
Love,
Dennis
It wasn't until yesterday that I realized the 20th was the anniversary of our spiritual marriage. The ceremony over the next nine months that was filled with poetry and joy, sorrow and tears, laughter and silence,dancing and stillness, confusion and bonding, rapture and pain. It was a ceremony to last into the next life time. It was a ceremony of a deep and abiding love that I can not explain or identify its source. It just was and still is. There must be a way to peal back that veil that separates this world and the next just long enough for one touch of the hand, one kiss on the lips to complete the ceremony in I dos for all eternity. Perhaps it isn't necessary since I know our souls have been married for a long time. But it would have been a joy filled day to have held her hand into marriage.... here in this place.. where ever it is that we are.
Love to whoever is still reading this,
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Happy New Year 2008
Last night as the ball on top of the Times Square tower made its decent, I felt an almost miraculous shift in my state of being. Somehow that arbitrary line between the old and the new year lifted that heavy, sullen shroud that has dominated my life since the beginning of the holiday season. Wow!! It gave me great hope for the passing of this grieving process but lasted only for a short time as I began to recall New Year's Eve with Anne last year. But how ever brief I experienced that total release, there was a definite shift in my sense that the events of 2007 are in the past and 2008 holds promise for a new light to shine. One that will shine on and from my heart as it has been and is in dire need of healing. It is amazing how we assign the center of our emotional being to this body organ which is without a doubt the toughest muscle in the body yet the most fragile. Mine has been struggling to a point where I often feel as if it will give way. Perhaps relief is just around the corner. I don't know. This whole process seems to have a schedule of it's own, and no matter how hard I try to intervene with my mind, my heart has complete command. At least for one brief moment while I rang in the new year with Nicolas, Sofia and Sabrina (the dog) my heart was light. I know that birthday/Christmas/new years 2008 will hold a different picture. My missing Anne will remain but the unbearable weight of losing her will not.
I am truly grateful for all of you who have and continue to accompany Anne and me on this journey through the blog, email, cards, thoughts and prayers. I don't think I would have been able to make it without all of you. Nor would I have been able to reach into the depths of my pain to retrieve the jewels that lay hidden there without the safety provided by your witness and support. May the fires of your passions in life burn ever brighter into the new year . May you find peace and fulfillment in dreams realized. May love be your constant companion through the year and life long.
Happy New Year,
Dennis
I am truly grateful for all of you who have and continue to accompany Anne and me on this journey through the blog, email, cards, thoughts and prayers. I don't think I would have been able to make it without all of you. Nor would I have been able to reach into the depths of my pain to retrieve the jewels that lay hidden there without the safety provided by your witness and support. May the fires of your passions in life burn ever brighter into the new year . May you find peace and fulfillment in dreams realized. May love be your constant companion through the year and life long.
Happy New Year,
Dennis
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Our Birthday 2007
December 2o, 2007
hey you, i guess i have been out of touch but do think of you and am thankful for all your thoughts and prayers.... today has been a tough one being Anne's and my birthday but i received a ton of love from the kids.. had lunch with Maxine and dinner with the neighbors... things are a bit better... my state of mind is uncertain these days but am able to keep focus around the important things .. family, work and friends my heart is still very broken but there seems to be a shift towards wholeness through a good deal of spiritual surrender and internal forgiveness... there are dark times when i feel like i can't go on but the light always breaks through to renew my hope and lift my spirit.... i guess the only thing we can ever really know is that everything changes constantly...... we have to be able to recognize and honor that continuum of change as an integral part of our existence... it is our evolving identity which requires our constant attention.... I guess that could be what love really is... somehow that fits at least in my thoughts in this moment... i hope you are well and feeling free and happy
love D
Above is the email I wrote to my friend Timmie who is a survivor of breast cancer and has been a constant support through it all. I wrote the night of the 20th after a beautiful and soulful celebration with Angela, George, Nina and the kids. We had dinner and home made chocolate ice cream. We sang to Anne and me. We laughed, hugged and remembered. The house was filled with love. I felt loved, deeply so, and it was good medicine for me, as the morning had been heartbreakingly painful. Maxine finished class at noon, that day, and took me out to lunch. What a blessing that was. It was a gift without measure. We sat and talked openly and radiated that inexplicable love bond that exists between parent and child. The darkened sky in my heart began to open and some light broke through. We went to whole foods to shop for dinner.
She took off to meet friends and I went home to prepare for the evening. Nick and Sofia arrived home from school and began to help prepare. More light came streaming in. Angela and George arrived just after six. There were some much needed hugs given all around and Angela jumped right in to help with the cooking. Nina and her youngest son Demetri arrived and by then a wonderfully festive feeling was permeating the air.That feeling grew as the evening progressed and Anne's spirit was very much a part of it all. She was right in the room having fun with us all and was pigging out on the ice cream through me. It was really good and according to Angela the best she has ever tasted. George and I played guitar while the kids were having fun and conversations went on. Wendy my other neighbor stopped in to add more cheer. An assembly line clean up and sweet sweet goodbyes. Anne stayed. I felt her presence so strongly. That night I slept the best I had in long time.
It was so good to feel Anne as I did that night. I was in Florida earlier that week visiting my father, sister and her family. It was my first trip back since my mom died in February and my first physical contact with my family since Anne died. I felt like I was caught in the emotion blender with deep sadness and sweet tender feelings swirling through me at the same time. When my dad and I went to Venice to visit Mary Brent and Harry the blender switched to liquefy. I became totally unglued remembering Anne and my "meet the parents trip" in November of last year. It was wonderful to be with Mary Brent and Harry. They took us out to lunch at the Crow's Nest. But it was hard for me to hold up under the pain of her not being with me there. When we were there last year I saw an almost miraculous shift in Anne's spirit. She seemed more at peace. She loved it there. She loved the warmth of the gulf water, the sun, the beach and she loved being cared for by her parents. It was wonderful to see her feel so at ease and care free. It seemed to be a salve for her wounds and I was glad for her. The visit with Mary Brent and Harry was very important and healing for me and I felt it was the same for them.
There is so much I learn and grow from experiencing the dark despair and pain as it always leads me to the light. A light which shines on a part of my inner world that I had not seen before. I am in a love/hate relationship with this pain process but I don't know of any other way and it does seem to be getting just a bit easier.
Love to one and all,
Dennis
hey you, i guess i have been out of touch but do think of you and am thankful for all your thoughts and prayers.... today has been a tough one being Anne's and my birthday but i received a ton of love from the kids.. had lunch with Maxine and dinner with the neighbors... things are a bit better... my state of mind is uncertain these days but am able to keep focus around the important things .. family, work and friends my heart is still very broken but there seems to be a shift towards wholeness through a good deal of spiritual surrender and internal forgiveness... there are dark times when i feel like i can't go on but the light always breaks through to renew my hope and lift my spirit.... i guess the only thing we can ever really know is that everything changes constantly...... we have to be able to recognize and honor that continuum of change as an integral part of our existence... it is our evolving identity which requires our constant attention.... I guess that could be what love really is... somehow that fits at least in my thoughts in this moment... i hope you are well and feeling free and happy
love D
Above is the email I wrote to my friend Timmie who is a survivor of breast cancer and has been a constant support through it all. I wrote the night of the 20th after a beautiful and soulful celebration with Angela, George, Nina and the kids. We had dinner and home made chocolate ice cream. We sang to Anne and me. We laughed, hugged and remembered. The house was filled with love. I felt loved, deeply so, and it was good medicine for me, as the morning had been heartbreakingly painful. Maxine finished class at noon, that day, and took me out to lunch. What a blessing that was. It was a gift without measure. We sat and talked openly and radiated that inexplicable love bond that exists between parent and child. The darkened sky in my heart began to open and some light broke through. We went to whole foods to shop for dinner.
She took off to meet friends and I went home to prepare for the evening. Nick and Sofia arrived home from school and began to help prepare. More light came streaming in. Angela and George arrived just after six. There were some much needed hugs given all around and Angela jumped right in to help with the cooking. Nina and her youngest son Demetri arrived and by then a wonderfully festive feeling was permeating the air.That feeling grew as the evening progressed and Anne's spirit was very much a part of it all. She was right in the room having fun with us all and was pigging out on the ice cream through me. It was really good and according to Angela the best she has ever tasted. George and I played guitar while the kids were having fun and conversations went on. Wendy my other neighbor stopped in to add more cheer. An assembly line clean up and sweet sweet goodbyes. Anne stayed. I felt her presence so strongly. That night I slept the best I had in long time.
It was so good to feel Anne as I did that night. I was in Florida earlier that week visiting my father, sister and her family. It was my first trip back since my mom died in February and my first physical contact with my family since Anne died. I felt like I was caught in the emotion blender with deep sadness and sweet tender feelings swirling through me at the same time. When my dad and I went to Venice to visit Mary Brent and Harry the blender switched to liquefy. I became totally unglued remembering Anne and my "meet the parents trip" in November of last year. It was wonderful to be with Mary Brent and Harry. They took us out to lunch at the Crow's Nest. But it was hard for me to hold up under the pain of her not being with me there. When we were there last year I saw an almost miraculous shift in Anne's spirit. She seemed more at peace. She loved it there. She loved the warmth of the gulf water, the sun, the beach and she loved being cared for by her parents. It was wonderful to see her feel so at ease and care free. It seemed to be a salve for her wounds and I was glad for her. The visit with Mary Brent and Harry was very important and healing for me and I felt it was the same for them.
There is so much I learn and grow from experiencing the dark despair and pain as it always leads me to the light. A light which shines on a part of my inner world that I had not seen before. I am in a love/hate relationship with this pain process but I don't know of any other way and it does seem to be getting just a bit easier.
Love to one and all,
Dennis
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Letter to My Beloved
My Dearest Annie,
It is now over two months since I last felt your hand in mine, since I heard your voice, since my heart sang with the joy of your embrace. I miss you so. It is hard for me to believe you will not be coming back to me. It is hard for me to be in this life without you. I can not find the opening in my thoughts, in my mind , or in my heart to comprehend why you are no longer with me. How do I bring myself to understand what has happened to you? Where are you? There isn't a waking moment that you are not in my thoughts. I relive, over and over, the words you said, the experiences we shared, and the dreams we dreamed. I remember the times you filled my heart with exquisite joy and the times you made my heart ache , the times you enfolded me with the sweet intimacy of your being and the times you pushed me away. But deep inside I always knew you loved me. I always knew you had a hard time showing me just how much. How do you experience me now? I continue to hear your voice and think what you would say about the clothes I am wearing,the food I am eating or the condition of my kitchen floor. I was at your house on Monday. It was bitter sweet. The furniture was gone, the walls were bare but the memories remained. I cleaned the bathroom with the same obsessive fervor you put into keeping your home operating room clean. It felt good and I did it because I knew it is the way you wanted to return the house to Jane. Nancy had done the same with rest of the house and the garden. Did you hear us and see us when we said our prayers to you and final goodbyes to the house that housed your spirit and your body, that held the memories of our first kiss. How and where will I find you? I hold fast to the memories of our togetherness, to the scent of you through your bathrobe, to the sight of you in photos and in the feel of you in my heart. This heart that lives in the disbelief of your absence. It searches unrelentingly for any sign of your return for it can not comprehend the loss of your being. It can not comprehend that this world can exist, that itself can exist without the well of love that you provided. I know you struggled to open your heart to embrace the world and me without condition or judgment, to love freely, unconditionally and completely. I cherish those moments when the walls between us magically lifted and we enfolded one another in the sweetness and purity of our souls. This is where I find you still. This is the place that remains forever in my heart.The physical memories may fade but those moments, when our hearts and souls joined in the innocence and simplicity of our being, will burn brightly in the heavenly skies of my heart forever. I hope that you are at peace, that you can still feel my love and that this new journey has brought you the freedom of soul you so longed for. Perhaps as my heart learns the language of the eternal soul I will find you have never left at all and have just been waiting for me to catch up.
Te amo,
Dennis
It is now over two months since I last felt your hand in mine, since I heard your voice, since my heart sang with the joy of your embrace. I miss you so. It is hard for me to believe you will not be coming back to me. It is hard for me to be in this life without you. I can not find the opening in my thoughts, in my mind , or in my heart to comprehend why you are no longer with me. How do I bring myself to understand what has happened to you? Where are you? There isn't a waking moment that you are not in my thoughts. I relive, over and over, the words you said, the experiences we shared, and the dreams we dreamed. I remember the times you filled my heart with exquisite joy and the times you made my heart ache , the times you enfolded me with the sweet intimacy of your being and the times you pushed me away. But deep inside I always knew you loved me. I always knew you had a hard time showing me just how much. How do you experience me now? I continue to hear your voice and think what you would say about the clothes I am wearing,the food I am eating or the condition of my kitchen floor. I was at your house on Monday. It was bitter sweet. The furniture was gone, the walls were bare but the memories remained. I cleaned the bathroom with the same obsessive fervor you put into keeping your home operating room clean. It felt good and I did it because I knew it is the way you wanted to return the house to Jane. Nancy had done the same with rest of the house and the garden. Did you hear us and see us when we said our prayers to you and final goodbyes to the house that housed your spirit and your body, that held the memories of our first kiss. How and where will I find you? I hold fast to the memories of our togetherness, to the scent of you through your bathrobe, to the sight of you in photos and in the feel of you in my heart. This heart that lives in the disbelief of your absence. It searches unrelentingly for any sign of your return for it can not comprehend the loss of your being. It can not comprehend that this world can exist, that itself can exist without the well of love that you provided. I know you struggled to open your heart to embrace the world and me without condition or judgment, to love freely, unconditionally and completely. I cherish those moments when the walls between us magically lifted and we enfolded one another in the sweetness and purity of our souls. This is where I find you still. This is the place that remains forever in my heart.The physical memories may fade but those moments, when our hearts and souls joined in the innocence and simplicity of our being, will burn brightly in the heavenly skies of my heart forever. I hope that you are at peace, that you can still feel my love and that this new journey has brought you the freedom of soul you so longed for. Perhaps as my heart learns the language of the eternal soul I will find you have never left at all and have just been waiting for me to catch up.
Te amo,
Dennis
Friday, November 23, 2007
Thanksgiving / Anne Bocchino Gift Fund
I am not certain if anyone is checking the blog any longer but just in case I thought I would write about the first of the holidays, Thanksgiving. It was no surprise that with each day closer to the holiday I felt an exponential increase in the heaviness in my heart. The celebration was at Russell's where it was last year. Last year's celebration was the first official holiday Anne and I celebrated as a couple. It was when I learned that being a "push 6" Anne was the first one up to clear the table and clean the kitchen. She made a subtle comment about my videoing the clean up activities with the implication that I was not actually involved in helping. I chose to ignore her carefully worded statement and am glad I did as it is the only video of her that I have. Yesterday was quite lovely in spite of my heavy heart. There was an over abundant and sumptuous meal prepared by the young adults and a few of us old folks. Owen cooked the turkey,Lucy baked pies made mashed potatoes and yams, Suzie made rolls from scratch Tally made vegetable dishes.They spent two days preparing this incredible meal. I know Anne was excited by the quantity and abundance of flavors. We spoke our gratitude for one another and toasted Anne. There was a place for her at the table. What took two days to prepare was consumed in about 30 minutes save dessert which came after the slide shows and cleanup.
There was certainly an air of joy at the end of the day. I am certain Anne was part of it all and smiling the entire time but I did miss her so as did everyone there.
I am debating whether or not to continue writing on the blog. I suppose if no one is reading it then it serves only as an outlet for me. That's OK, but it changes the purpose.
Any thoughts???
A fund has been set in Anne's name at UCSF. All donations collected will be distributed to families who need financial assistance while coping with blood diseases such as leukemia.
It is called the Anne Bocchino Gift Fund and is being managed by UCSF
If you wish to make a tax deductible donation checks can be made to UCSF in any amount and mailed to me. I will forward them to UCSF in bulk to the fund.
Dennis Puorro
231 16th Ave.
San Francisco, CA 94118
Love to all,
Dennis
There was certainly an air of joy at the end of the day. I am certain Anne was part of it all and smiling the entire time but I did miss her so as did everyone there.
I am debating whether or not to continue writing on the blog. I suppose if no one is reading it then it serves only as an outlet for me. That's OK, but it changes the purpose.
Any thoughts???
A fund has been set in Anne's name at UCSF. All donations collected will be distributed to families who need financial assistance while coping with blood diseases such as leukemia.
It is called the Anne Bocchino Gift Fund and is being managed by UCSF
If you wish to make a tax deductible donation checks can be made to UCSF in any amount and mailed to me. I will forward them to UCSF in bulk to the fund.
Dennis Puorro
231 16th Ave.
San Francisco, CA 94118
Love to all,
Dennis
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The celebration
I think I can write this, but this past week I have been digging out from under an avalanche of emotion. While the celebration was just that, a beautiful unfolding of the love Anne had both created and participated in with all those present, for me there was no escaping the ache of missing her. I had spent the night before, in the bed we shared at her house, in her room, with her clothes in the closet and her books on the night stand. The same comforter was on the bed. I had hoped to feel her right there in bed with me but didn't. I was overwhelmed with emotion and pain. I could not connect to her or myself. I was hopelessly lost. Some how I managed to fall asleep and only now do I realize how unbearably difficult that night was. I focused on the next day and pushed myself to get through the night. When I woke and reread the final draft of what I had written to say at the celebration, it fell short of my expectations. My thoughts were disjointed and I could only hope that I would be able to infuse the feelings I wanted to convey spontaneously while speaking. As the time for the celebration drew closer my emotional state intensified and turned to panic. I was going to spoil this day of days for Anne and everyone because I was over run by emotion.
People began to arrive. The hall was splendid, elegant, done in pinks and lavenders of fabric and ribbon. There were flowers everywhere. At the back of the hall was a stage the entire front section of which was turned into a magnificent alter of fabric, flowers, candles and accented with elegantly adorned Thai umbrellas and a poster size photo of Anne. In the side room off the kitchen were several tables laden with food and drinks. There was a professional sound and projection system donated, set up and operated by Angela's new found love George. There are no words possible to extol the efforts, love and dedication which he poured into the creation of the DVD and presentation of this event. There are so many to thank but it seems that the creation of the day for Anne was all the thanks anyone really needed or wanted. And it was a beautiful day both inside and outside. The air was clear, warm and sparkled with the hope that sunlight brings. It was a perfect day and I have no doubt that Anne had seen to it.
It was time to begin, at least the "formal" part of it. I approached the microphone and confessed my state of mind. I began to speak/read slowly, thinking "Anne help me out here".
She did . I felt her hand in mine, I was still nervous but began to tell the story of our meeting and the words flowed and the thoughts connected. I managed to get through without spoiling everything, although there was so much more I wanted to and needed to say. Joy Willow played piano and sang a beautiful song she had written to honor Anne. Then Russell recited with impressive eloquence, two poems by Mary Oliver whose work Anne loved. Joy made another beautiful offering in a selection called "Spirit Fly" There was a stillness in the room when Owen got up to play. We were all with him. We were all directly connected to Anne through Owen and Lucy. In some ways this day, also was about them. As Owen prepared to play he said he wasn't sure if he would be able to in his emotional state. Laura was at his side. He played magnificently, two Bach violin solos the composer wrote in honor of his wife after she died. I remember sitting in Anne's living room. Owen, violin and bow in hand, closed the door behind him to the room where Anne lay wrapped in silk and played the same two pieces for her. I was so deeply moved by the presence of his being and the deep passion that vibrated through the strings to fill the air. We all felt it that day. We were all grateful for this beautiful gift. Then our angel, Angela, spoke from a place inspired by the heavens. She captured the essence of Anne's spirit that only the love, long friendship and the shared intimacies of a woman to woman relationship could. I was in awe of how deeply she understood Anne and held dear all her idiosyncrasies. How she revered her strengths and accepted her flaws. I thought, who could follow that? But people did. And each did beautifully adding more and more to the ripple of love that was Anne as she spread through the room out into the universe. Everyone spoke many without words but instead with feelings that resonated as loud as the amplified voices through the speakers.
David Field honored us with lovely background acoustic guitar music while George set up for the DVD. The lights were dimmed and we were taken into a dimension of exquisite beauty and exquisite pain. Nothing could capture her life in all its true beauty as did this sonata of visual images flowing in synchrony with the emotive music they moved to. We all wept. Every last one of us. My Sofia wrapped her arms around me to offer comfort as I wept uncontrollably (inside I have not stopped ). The room was still vibrating with quiet sobbing after the DVD had finished. Nancy got up to lead us in a candle lighting ceremony to bring us full circle back into the light. We each had a candle. No words were spoken only the passing of the flame from one to the next until all were lit. We held a short time for reflection then did what I know Anne wanted us to do from the beginning. We ate and drank.... for a long time.
This continues to be a dream from which I hope to wake and see her there and perhaps that is how it works. We move form one dream into the next. So when I move from this dream into the next I will find her there...waiting.
My love to you all,
Dennis
People began to arrive. The hall was splendid, elegant, done in pinks and lavenders of fabric and ribbon. There were flowers everywhere. At the back of the hall was a stage the entire front section of which was turned into a magnificent alter of fabric, flowers, candles and accented with elegantly adorned Thai umbrellas and a poster size photo of Anne. In the side room off the kitchen were several tables laden with food and drinks. There was a professional sound and projection system donated, set up and operated by Angela's new found love George. There are no words possible to extol the efforts, love and dedication which he poured into the creation of the DVD and presentation of this event. There are so many to thank but it seems that the creation of the day for Anne was all the thanks anyone really needed or wanted. And it was a beautiful day both inside and outside. The air was clear, warm and sparkled with the hope that sunlight brings. It was a perfect day and I have no doubt that Anne had seen to it.
It was time to begin, at least the "formal" part of it. I approached the microphone and confessed my state of mind. I began to speak/read slowly, thinking "Anne help me out here".
She did . I felt her hand in mine, I was still nervous but began to tell the story of our meeting and the words flowed and the thoughts connected. I managed to get through without spoiling everything, although there was so much more I wanted to and needed to say. Joy Willow played piano and sang a beautiful song she had written to honor Anne. Then Russell recited with impressive eloquence, two poems by Mary Oliver whose work Anne loved. Joy made another beautiful offering in a selection called "Spirit Fly" There was a stillness in the room when Owen got up to play. We were all with him. We were all directly connected to Anne through Owen and Lucy. In some ways this day, also was about them. As Owen prepared to play he said he wasn't sure if he would be able to in his emotional state. Laura was at his side. He played magnificently, two Bach violin solos the composer wrote in honor of his wife after she died. I remember sitting in Anne's living room. Owen, violin and bow in hand, closed the door behind him to the room where Anne lay wrapped in silk and played the same two pieces for her. I was so deeply moved by the presence of his being and the deep passion that vibrated through the strings to fill the air. We all felt it that day. We were all grateful for this beautiful gift. Then our angel, Angela, spoke from a place inspired by the heavens. She captured the essence of Anne's spirit that only the love, long friendship and the shared intimacies of a woman to woman relationship could. I was in awe of how deeply she understood Anne and held dear all her idiosyncrasies. How she revered her strengths and accepted her flaws. I thought, who could follow that? But people did. And each did beautifully adding more and more to the ripple of love that was Anne as she spread through the room out into the universe. Everyone spoke many without words but instead with feelings that resonated as loud as the amplified voices through the speakers.
David Field honored us with lovely background acoustic guitar music while George set up for the DVD. The lights were dimmed and we were taken into a dimension of exquisite beauty and exquisite pain. Nothing could capture her life in all its true beauty as did this sonata of visual images flowing in synchrony with the emotive music they moved to. We all wept. Every last one of us. My Sofia wrapped her arms around me to offer comfort as I wept uncontrollably (inside I have not stopped ). The room was still vibrating with quiet sobbing after the DVD had finished. Nancy got up to lead us in a candle lighting ceremony to bring us full circle back into the light. We each had a candle. No words were spoken only the passing of the flame from one to the next until all were lit. We held a short time for reflection then did what I know Anne wanted us to do from the beginning. We ate and drank.... for a long time.
This continues to be a dream from which I hope to wake and see her there and perhaps that is how it works. We move form one dream into the next. So when I move from this dream into the next I will find her there...waiting.
My love to you all,
Dennis
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
on the way
I did promise a full report of the celebration and it will be forth coming. I am just too exhausted to write it this evening but didn't want to leave everyone wondering. It was one of the most heartfelt, love infused, joy making, heart aching, events I have ever been a part of. It was truly beautiful and honored our Annie as she so richly deserved. There will be a DVD so you will be able to see and hear those who spoke as well as the musical offerings.
More to follow later.
Dennis
More to follow later.
Dennis
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Emerging Realities
The days and nights have taken on a strange reality for me. They emerge and merge and I go drifting through them performing my regularly scheduled duties but the color is dulled the tastes are less distinct. My sleep no longer is my sanctuary as it has been all my life. There is no escaping this ache I carry. How is this possible? Where does it come from? I have loved with all my heart and been loved in return . Why is there such pain? My heart is not empty I can still feel her with me. Yet the pain is there. I am told that it will take time and I guess that is so . But time for what to happen? Perhaps the memories get replaced with new ones. The old ones begin to fade. The feelings may become faded as well. I don't know. But I am beginning to realize that the experience Anne and I went through was traumatic. With all the beautiful moments we shared, the deep intimacy, and oh so necessary bonding in the final analysis we faced and endured a reality that was frightening. I am beginning to understand the incredible courage that Anne mustered from within to take on this unthinkable edict rendered her. I don't know if she was ever able to take it in fully, but as the haze in my mind clears, as my heart regains its balance, I see and feel the overwhelming weight she must have been under all that time. It leaves me speechless. I am numb from the thought. My heart aches. I feel so badly for you Annie. My greatest hope is that you always felt surrounded by love and that you feel it still. Then my heart will be at peace. I guess in some ways that is the source of the pain that I feel. I need to know she felt and feels love. That she left this world with her heart filled ready to enter the next. That she left behind the traumas she endured and opened her heart fully to the new world she now embraces. I guess there is no way of knowing with my mind, but I am hoping my heart will find a way.
I have received many wonderful emails which I am so very thankful for. Your expressions of love for Anne and generous thoughtfulness towards me have lifted my heart often from very deep despair. Love truly is the only healer. I have always believed it and this experience makes me know it all the more. Please forgive me if I have been unable to respond. It is not for lack of wanting to but only lack of time.
I will try to make an entry later this week prior to the celebration but if not I will make a full reporting of the event afterwards.
Love to All,
Dennis
I have received many wonderful emails which I am so very thankful for. Your expressions of love for Anne and generous thoughtfulness towards me have lifted my heart often from very deep despair. Love truly is the only healer. I have always believed it and this experience makes me know it all the more. Please forgive me if I have been unable to respond. It is not for lack of wanting to but only lack of time.
I will try to make an entry later this week prior to the celebration but if not I will make a full reporting of the event afterwards.
Love to All,
Dennis
Sunday, October 21, 2007
these days
It seems the numbness from the shock is beginning to wear off as I become ever more aware of the undercurrent of pain that exists deep inside. It is a different kind of pain then before it lives in a place I could only describe as the roots of my heart. They seem to travel to the center of the earth and that is where I feel the pain. There is no remedy for this kind of pain at least at this moment. I get a bit of relief when I can open to Anne's spiritual presence but for the past two days I have been immersed in preparations for Nov. 4 which included pouring through hundreds of Anne's photos for the DVD. I cried as I worked sorting through. Maxine comforted me with an embrace. Perhaps things will lift at and after the celebration, as Anne's life and presence are brought into focus and shared by all of us honoring her rebirth into the spiritual realm. I have no way of knowing but it somehow seems so.
In the meantime the celebration plan is emerging and will contain beautiful musical offerings, a wonderfully decorated setting and the voices of those who hold her love in their hearts. And thanks to the generosity of Angela's boyfriend George, who has donated countless hours of his professional time, there will be a DVD spanning Anne's life in picture and music. George the only word that applies here is you have been a mench in the full sense of that word. Thank you.
I have received some very wonderful emails and I am grateful for the love and support that is helping to sustain me through these days. If there are any "Anne stories" out there for sharing it would great to receive those as well. I would like to gather all the stores I can to create a commemorative collection as mentioned in the previous post.
Annie I love you and I know you both hear and feel me as I do you.
Much love,
Dennis
In the meantime the celebration plan is emerging and will contain beautiful musical offerings, a wonderfully decorated setting and the voices of those who hold her love in their hearts. And thanks to the generosity of Angela's boyfriend George, who has donated countless hours of his professional time, there will be a DVD spanning Anne's life in picture and music. George the only word that applies here is you have been a mench in the full sense of that word. Thank you.
I have received some very wonderful emails and I am grateful for the love and support that is helping to sustain me through these days. If there are any "Anne stories" out there for sharing it would great to receive those as well. I would like to gather all the stores I can to create a commemorative collection as mentioned in the previous post.
Annie I love you and I know you both hear and feel me as I do you.
Much love,
Dennis
Monday, October 15, 2007
First Time Back to Anne's House
Probably one of the most difficult moments I have ever faced in my life was retuning to Anne's house on Sunday afternoon. The combination of heartache and emptiness I felt was searing and I don't really know how I managed to get through it. My two youngest Nick and Sofia were there along with Lucy, Owen, Nancy, Russell, Angela, and Leslie. We had just finished a birthday brunch for Lucy's 19th at Russell's and went to Anne's to sort through "stuff ". The mood was not somber and was in fact light. The sun was shining and the kids and the party added a bit of festivity to the day. I know that is what Anne wanted for Lucy and everyone. I felt her spirit there right in the middle of everything but I needed to see her smile, to hear her voice, and feel the touch her hand in mine. It is so hard to grasp this reality. It just doesn't fit into anything I can make sense of. And yet that may be the very thing that will alter my view of life in ways I could never experience otherwise. I just don't know what they are. At least not yet. It may take a very long time but I have learned to be patient, especially for life's important lessons. They're worth it.
I have gained a good deal of strength from the continuous support given through the comments left here, emails, phone calls and cards. It lifts my spirits to hear about how Anne had touched your lives, as she did (and still does) mine. With that in mind, I would like to put together a collection of stories about Anne. So, I am asking whoever would like to contribute a story (not too lengthy) , to either send an email or put as a comment here or mail me letter with some thing you remember about being with Anne. A funny story, how she influenced you, made you mad, how you met, description of how she looked one day. I believe it will be an important part of the healing process and a wonderful gift for Owen, Lucy, Mary-Brent, Harry and me. If you have a photo that is part of the story that would be great. For those of you who are coming to the Anne's life-celebration on 11/4 please bring your story with you. You may want to share it.
The Anne's life-celebration will be held on Sunday, November 4th at 2:00 pm, at Graton Hall on the corner of Graton Rd. and S. Edison. It is easy to find and is near Anne's house.
Get on route 116 West through and past Sebastopol about 5 miles (not sure of the millage) turn left at Graton road (traffic light). Down the hill to the stop sign and the hall is on the right.
It would be helpful to have a count of people who intend to come. Food and drinks will follow at around 3:30.
My email is.... dennisp@sbcglobal.net
Street address:
Dennis Puorro
231 16th Avenue
San Francisco, CA 94118
Love to All,
Dennis
I have gained a good deal of strength from the continuous support given through the comments left here, emails, phone calls and cards. It lifts my spirits to hear about how Anne had touched your lives, as she did (and still does) mine. With that in mind, I would like to put together a collection of stories about Anne. So, I am asking whoever would like to contribute a story (not too lengthy) , to either send an email or put as a comment here or mail me letter with some thing you remember about being with Anne. A funny story, how she influenced you, made you mad, how you met, description of how she looked one day. I believe it will be an important part of the healing process and a wonderful gift for Owen, Lucy, Mary-Brent, Harry and me. If you have a photo that is part of the story that would be great. For those of you who are coming to the Anne's life-celebration on 11/4 please bring your story with you. You may want to share it.
The Anne's life-celebration will be held on Sunday, November 4th at 2:00 pm, at Graton Hall on the corner of Graton Rd. and S. Edison. It is easy to find and is near Anne's house.
Get on route 116 West through and past Sebastopol about 5 miles (not sure of the millage) turn left at Graton road (traffic light). Down the hill to the stop sign and the hall is on the right.
It would be helpful to have a count of people who intend to come. Food and drinks will follow at around 3:30.
My email is.... dennisp@sbcglobal.net
Street address:
Dennis Puorro
231 16th Avenue
San Francisco, CA 94118
Love to All,
Dennis
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Her Loving Presence Lives On.
I find myself slipping in and out of a dream state. It is as if I am straddling this world and the next. A part of me is with Anne on the other side. Somehow I have taken that journey with her. I suppose I truly have as she is still right here with me. I hear her voice and feel her presence as I go through my day. While the weight of all the lost "might have beens" can be crushing at times I am finding comfort in all that we did have. The opening to her spiritual presence keeps the true essence of the relationship very much alive. Last night I climbed into bed with her bathrobe held close to my chest. The feeling was different then times before when I was filled with sorrow. There was joy. She was right there. I could feel her embrace but it was around my heart not my body. In the morning it was like we woke together to begin our day together. I was filled with ideas for the day and eager to get going. The feeling was similar to the other morning when she came to me in a dream but somehow more tangible as I felt her bodily presence through the bathrobe. At times I realize I am still very much in shock, and most likely will be so for some time to come. But there is some wonderful sweetness as I slowly piece myself and my life back together with the loving, purity of Anne's spirit lifting me gently back into this world.
I don't know what lies ahead as each moment can hold a new realization or a painful reminder of her physical absence. I do know that the deep relentless sorrow has eased and given way to the heart connection that continues to evolve.
I have received an incredible outpouring of support through cards and calls from Anne's extended family, her friends as well as from my own. It is wonderful to hear about your experiences with Anne and stories you remember. It is the memories that we hold in our hearts that keep her right here with us and eases the pain of her absence.
The commemorative celebration of Anne's life will (as far as I know semi-officially) be held at the Graton Hall on Sunday November 4th at 2:00 P.M. Final details will be posted by the end of the week (I think).
Much Love to All,
Dennis
P.S. When I woke I heard Anne tell me to go to the movies tonight instead of the bereavement group. I was torn about not going to the group but felt compelled to go to the movies. I went to see "Michael Clayton". The first trailer they showed before the movie started was about a young couple. He is found to be terminally ill but before he dies he writes letters to her that are delivered to her in sequence over a period of time. Each one contained some experience she is to engage in so that she could always feel his presence and his understanding of who she is. I did not think it was a coincidence. I think Anne intended for me to see the trailer to let me know she is right there.
I don't know what lies ahead as each moment can hold a new realization or a painful reminder of her physical absence. I do know that the deep relentless sorrow has eased and given way to the heart connection that continues to evolve.
I have received an incredible outpouring of support through cards and calls from Anne's extended family, her friends as well as from my own. It is wonderful to hear about your experiences with Anne and stories you remember. It is the memories that we hold in our hearts that keep her right here with us and eases the pain of her absence.
The commemorative celebration of Anne's life will (as far as I know semi-officially) be held at the Graton Hall on Sunday November 4th at 2:00 P.M. Final details will be posted by the end of the week (I think).
Much Love to All,
Dennis
P.S. When I woke I heard Anne tell me to go to the movies tonight instead of the bereavement group. I was torn about not going to the group but felt compelled to go to the movies. I went to see "Michael Clayton". The first trailer they showed before the movie started was about a young couple. He is found to be terminally ill but before he dies he writes letters to her that are delivered to her in sequence over a period of time. Each one contained some experience she is to engage in so that she could always feel his presence and his understanding of who she is. I did not think it was a coincidence. I think Anne intended for me to see the trailer to let me know she is right there.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Owen for dinner/ Anne appears (in my dream)
Last night (Monday) Owen came by for dinner. I cooked while we hung out in the kitchen talking.I recounted to Owen my first cooking experience with Anne and her critical comments and doubts about my unusual combination of flavors. I basically told her to back off and reserve her comments for the finished product and not the process. It turned out great and she was thoroughly impressed but it was probably the only time she conceded to keep her criticisms to herself. Interestingly enough I was broiling salmon last night and as I was preparing to take it out of the broiler I heard Anne's voice say "turn the fish over and broil the other side" I was worried the fish was over cooked so I didn't turn it. We set the table including a place for Anne and began the meal. Sure enough the underside of the fish was uncooked. I told Owen what I heard Anne say and put the fish back into the broiler bottom side up. It was wonderful to spend that time with Owen. I could feel Ann's presence, her love for her son and her love for me for taking care of him. After he left I became busy with cleaning up and some unfinished paper work. Also spoke to Russel and Nancy. But the nights are the toughest and by bed time my heart was aching from missing her so. It only got worse through the night and was as bad a night as I have had except for the the first few days after she passed. It was a fitful sleep, waking a number of times but just before I was going to wake for the morning Anne appeared. We were standing in her kitchen. She was waring her bathrobe, her hair had grown in about an inch. She stood there with sparkling blues looking right into mine, a big smile and arms open wide. I through my arms around her and we just held one another. No words were spoken. No words were needed. My heart was filled. When I woke she was still there with me. My heart was light.
I have no doubt that she came to me to ease my heart and mind and to let me know that her love for me was still there. It was truly amazing grace. Thank you my Annie. It is a thin veil between this world and the the next. Love knows no boundaries.
It is not yet official but the memorial date will be changed from Sat. Nov. 3 to Sun. Nov. 4 .
We are also planning on having a memorial bench with Anne's name placed in Armstrong Woods.
Much love,
Dennis
I have no doubt that she came to me to ease my heart and mind and to let me know that her love for me was still there. It was truly amazing grace. Thank you my Annie. It is a thin veil between this world and the the next. Love knows no boundaries.
It is not yet official but the memorial date will be changed from Sat. Nov. 3 to Sun. Nov. 4 .
We are also planning on having a memorial bench with Anne's name placed in Armstrong Woods.
Much love,
Dennis
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Scattered Thoughts and Phone Calls
It is now just over a week since Anne left her physical body to fully embrace the spiritual world she felt so connected to. As the shock, although still very present, has begun to subside, I feel Anne with me more and more. She is present with me at work and is guiding my hands as I use spontaneous massage techniques on my patients. I'm not sure if I can call them techniques as they are strokes totally unknown to me yet they are having great effects. I choose to believe it is her spirit coming through and whether it is in fact so or not it brings me comfort. I have been comforted by my phone contacts with Mary Brent, and Harry who are gracious enough to support me as they go through their own grief process. I have received support from Angela, Stephen, Nancy and my own family. I spoke to Owen tonight and we're planning to meet for dinner Monday. I felt that Anne's love for the two of us was right there as we spoke and in that moment the pain was gone and an internal softness was present that has been absent since she became severely ill last month. I am certain that the last thing Anne would want is for those she loves to be suffering. If there was a way to experience loss without pain however, I would not accept it. I believe the pain is very necessary and important to guide us to higher levels of awareness and growth. It really only becomes suffering if it is pain for pain's sake and nothing else. I miss her with all my heart and I will honor her memory by living into my grief and letting it guide me to a greater sensitivity to myself and others.
We are working out the plans for the memorial. The obituary, although written, is still on Nancy's computer awaiting final editing.
Love to All,
Dennis
We are working out the plans for the memorial. The obituary, although written, is still on Nancy's computer awaiting final editing.
Love to All,
Dennis
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Words and memorial service date
I may be writing this for my own purposes but perhaps someone is still looking at the blog and is curious as to what's been happening since Anne's passing last Friday. On Friday Angela and Nancy spent the day preparing the house and Anne for the funeral. While the memory of that moment is painful I must say she looked absolutely beautiful. That evening Owen and I built a simple pine casket which was placed in the living room. Saturday morning Lucy and Leslie made some last minute decorating changes to massage room table where Anne was laid out to suit Anne's taste.People began to arrive around noon and were invited to decorate the casket with the various art materials on hand. There were many talented artists in the group among those who rendered wonderfully touching images and designs. As the day and evening wore on the box was transformed into a work of art. It's hard to say exactly how many people came that day but it seemed like the house was filled the entire time. A few people came on Sunday including my three children. Later that day Owen played violin for Anne. It was very moving. Steve had been playing guitar on and off that day which created a wonderfully soothing atmosphere. I can't bare to, nor do I think it's fitting to go into any of the details about Monday morning at the mortuary but it was at this point that the pain I was holding back came rushing to the surface. In the midst of my inconsolable state I suddenly felt Anne's spirit lift towards the heavens. I felt her and could see her spirit as if my heart had eyes. My chest immediately ceased its heaving and my breathing slowly returned to normal. I knew she was free. I was being held by Nancy and Angela who have been incredibly supportive to Anne and me throughout.
For me the world is no longer the same place. I don't know what that is about except that I have had the great gift of loving so deeply and completely it feels impossible to bear its loss. Slowly I will come to realize as the shock and the pain subside that the love remains and life goes on perhaps in some ways richer for the love thats been.
Thank you my beloved Annie. For our time together can not be measured by a calendar or clock but only by the bond we created which has felt like a life time. I love you and always will.
It may not be necessary give thanks to all of you who have been so supportive with prayers, words, thoughts, time and gifts of food, but I know that Anne has always been so grateful as have I. Thank you so much. It is wonderful to be a part of this loving community of family and friends
We are tentatively planning a memorial service on Saturday November 3rd. The location to be determined.
Much love to all,
Dennis
For me the world is no longer the same place. I don't know what that is about except that I have had the great gift of loving so deeply and completely it feels impossible to bear its loss. Slowly I will come to realize as the shock and the pain subside that the love remains and life goes on perhaps in some ways richer for the love thats been.
Thank you my beloved Annie. For our time together can not be measured by a calendar or clock but only by the bond we created which has felt like a life time. I love you and always will.
It may not be necessary give thanks to all of you who have been so supportive with prayers, words, thoughts, time and gifts of food, but I know that Anne has always been so grateful as have I. Thank you so much. It is wonderful to be a part of this loving community of family and friends
We are tentatively planning a memorial service on Saturday November 3rd. The location to be determined.
Much love to all,
Dennis
Saturday, September 22, 2007
visiting with Anne 9/22 12-6 pm Directions below:
Anne is here at the home for paying of respects, blessings, prayers.
Take 116 to Graton Road, turn toward Graton. At center of Graton, turn left at stop sign on
S. Edison Street. Go through first stop on Donald, Anne's house is second driveway on left, 316 S. Edison. 707-829-0875
Take 116 to Graton Road, turn toward Graton. At center of Graton, turn left at stop sign on
S. Edison Street. Go through first stop on Donald, Anne's house is second driveway on left, 316 S. Edison. 707-829-0875
Friday, September 21, 2007
On The Wings of Angels
Our Annie is in exquisite beauty and peace. She was ushered upward on the wings of angels earlier this morning as we surrounded her and witnessed her blessed passing. As my heart became numb from the overwhelming rush of pain it was comforted by the amazing aura of peace emanating from Anne. I still am waiting to hear her call my name to help her out of bed. The reality escapes me but not the constant love that will always be. Last evening, as Anne lay still, her breaths quiet and slow, Nancy, Angela, Leslie, and Maureen tended her while Russell and I exchanged life stories in the living room. Lucy was with her friend Tina. Owen was being comforted by his girlfriend Laura. The house was serene with an air of sweet sadness. I believe that the quality of those last hours were manifested by Anne's internal peace and her desire to let us know she is and will be fine. It was evident by how she looked as she passed from this world into the next. Annie my beloved, your timing and intent were filled with the grace and beauty that you embodied. Thank you for honoring us the privilege of being with you .You live always in our hearts.
At this time we are preparing the house for an in home funeral. We would like to invite anyone who wishes to be with Anne to visit tomorrow (Saturday) between 12 p.m.and 6p.m.
Please surround Harry and Mary Brent with your love and thoughts of comfort. I can not imagine the grief that losing a child brings.
Love,
Dennis
At this time we are preparing the house for an in home funeral. We would like to invite anyone who wishes to be with Anne to visit tomorrow (Saturday) between 12 p.m.and 6p.m.
Please surround Harry and Mary Brent with your love and thoughts of comfort. I can not imagine the grief that losing a child brings.
Love,
Dennis
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Your prayers received
Anne was sitting up in bed while those who came to the prayer group here sat in a circle on the back lawn and each of you were praying from a far. Your prayers were felt by Anne. She turned to me and looked into my eyes with great intensity and said "I think I am going to live". It was said with an up lifted spirit that I had not seen from her in a long time. I am certain it was her being held by all of you at that moment that freed her from her fears and struggle. It was wonderful to see her let go. She seemed more at peace and has been so since. She does not seem to be experiencing much pain and is only getting low doses of medication. She manages to get up out of bed with help and walk to the bath room and sometimes living room to sit on the couch. She is sleeping most of the time and talking incessantly in her slumber as only Anne could. I can't tell you how or why it is happening but she appears more beautiful to me each day. Perhaps it is the beauty that happens as we surrender to innocence. That same innocence and purity of a new born. She is returning and we are there to witness her passage home. I can't begin to tell you the pain that fills my body at this moment but if it is framed with the purpose of helping her in her return home, it becomes somehow, sweet pain. Surround her with your love, lift her spirit with you prayers and escort her to the threshold from where ever you are.
Love,
Dennis
Love,
Dennis
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Prayer Circle Monday 9/17 7pm
Anne is at home, resting mostly, with a view of her beautiful garden and with friends helping her with her needs. She is not, thank God, in the intense pain she was in earlier and her lucidity comes and goes.
We are asking for all to join in a prayer circle, where ever you are tomorrow, Monday, between 7 and 9 pm. Please hold Anne in your hearts, prayers and meditations with the intention to assist her in her transition.
She is not asking for visitors at this time. Please respect her need for quiet and contemplation.
Thank you for all your support and compassion,
russell
We are asking for all to join in a prayer circle, where ever you are tomorrow, Monday, between 7 and 9 pm. Please hold Anne in your hearts, prayers and meditations with the intention to assist her in her transition.
She is not asking for visitors at this time. Please respect her need for quiet and contemplation.
Thank you for all your support and compassion,
russell
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