Emerging Realities

The days and nights have taken on a strange reality for me. They emerge and merge and I go drifting through them performing my regularly scheduled duties but the color is dulled the tastes are less distinct. My sleep no longer is my sanctuary as it has been all my life. There is no escaping this ache I carry. How is this possible? Where does it come from? I have loved with all my heart and been loved in return . Why is there such pain? My heart is not empty I can still feel her with me. Yet the pain is there. I am told that it will take time and I guess that is so . But time for what to happen? Perhaps the memories get replaced with new ones. The old ones begin to fade. The feelings may become faded as well. I don't know. But I am beginning to realize that the experience Anne and I went through was traumatic. With all the beautiful moments we shared, the deep intimacy, and oh so necessary bonding in the final analysis we faced and endured a reality that was frightening. I am beginning to understand the incredible courage that Anne mustered from within to take on this unthinkable edict rendered her. I don't know if she was ever able to take it in fully, but as the haze in my mind clears, as my heart regains its balance, I see and feel the overwhelming weight she must have been under all that time. It leaves me speechless. I am numb from the thought. My heart aches. I feel so badly for you Annie. My greatest hope is that you always felt surrounded by love and that you feel it still. Then my heart will be at peace. I guess in some ways that is the source of the pain that I feel. I need to know she felt and feels love. That she left this world with her heart filled ready to enter the next. That she left behind the traumas she endured and opened her heart fully to the new world she now embraces. I guess there is no way of knowing with my mind, but I am hoping my heart will find a way.

I have received many wonderful emails which I am so very thankful for. Your expressions of love for Anne and generous thoughtfulness towards me have lifted my heart often from very deep despair. Love truly is the only healer. I have always believed it and this experience makes me know it all the more. Please forgive me if I have been unable to respond. It is not for lack of wanting to but only lack of time.

I will try to make an entry later this week prior to the celebration but if not I will make a full reporting of the event afterwards.

Love to All,

Dennis